The Latest Letters from Wonderland

15,100 Days Alive

137 Days Without Spock

5 Hours of Trying to Sleep Before Actually Getting to Sleep

3 Nightmares

Halloween is upon us. Joyous Samhain to those who celebrate. Happiest of witches’ New Year.

I am not doing great today.

My sleep was disturbed at best. Nightmares and memories and terrible things all in an amalgamation of horror and sadness. I ended up having a lie in until almost eleven a.m. today because my sleep was so poor last night.

I am going to crash on the couch tonight.  This evening was a lot.  Fun, but a lot.

Happy Samhain,  Blessed New Year, and Happy Halloween!

Take your meds,  folks.

If you had to sum up your life philosophy in one sentence, what would it be?

My life philosophy is something akin to “do no harm but take no shit”.

I believe in the power of compassion and patience, but also the power of a well-reasoned argument and a good left hook.

Share a few recent shots from your camera roll, no context needed.

15,098 Days Alive

44 Pages of Every Heart a Doorway Read This Evening

7 Finished Jars of Apple Pie Filling

4 Weeks Or So Until AO3 Is Back Up

1 Bottle of Deep Auburn Hair Dye

Seanan McGuire is one of my favorite authors. I just started reading Every Heart a Doorway and it is delightfully strange with plenty of queer characters.

The main character, Nancy, reminds me of someone. Not quite myself, no. But the story so far brings about a fierce feeling of… for lack of an English word: hiraeth. It is a Welsh word for the longing for a place that never existed. Hiraeth is a feeling I know we’ll. When the brain gremlins get loud, when sunlight is too bright and my skin doesn’t fit right, I feel it.

It’s a good night for a book like that. My brain is loud and I feel untethered in my body. Yay for disassociating? I mean, not really. Only half serious about it, but I feel like my voice is far away and so is everything else. I am not suicidal. I’m just… borderline numb. So I am reading and crocheting and trying to write and forcing myself to eat and hydrate… not just bed rot and cry. I asked Owl to squish me back into my body yesterday. It helped for a bit. Might ask her again tomorrow if I wake still feeling so untethered still.

Untethered. Like one Mister Oscar Diggs, the Omaha man who flew away in a hot air balloon in L. Frank Baum’s story. Ah, to Oz I would never want to go. Take me to Wonderland, through the looking glass. I would fare much better amongst the nonsense and tea.

I am making less sense than usual. I am going to bed in self defense.

Oh, and I painted the roses red. Er, colored my hair red. “Deep auburn”, but it’s red.

Take your meds, folks.

15,097 Days Alive

7 Quarts of Apple Pie Filling Canned

1 Crockpot Full of 5 Quarts of Chopped Apples to Make Apple Butter

1/2 A Bushel of Apples Blanched for Canning

Oh my goodness was the kitchen hot this evening! Owl and I canned about eight quarts of the apple slices into pie filling this evening. And another five to six went into the crock pot on low to stew down into apple butter. So good!

I’ve not canned anything before outside of something in Home Economics class back in 1999. And I don’t even remember what it was. But Owl has shown me how to make soap from oils and lye, how to can, and how to cook bacon on the stovetop without getting burned! That last one was just tonight. I think gas stovetops just cook better than electric ones. Maybe it’s just what I remember from when I was little and we still lived up North? Dunno. But I like gas stoves and ovens.

I am missing Mr. Spock today, pretty badly. I went back and watched some of the videos I have of him on social media. My sweet boy is still near and dear to my heart. I still can’t believe he’s gone. Even now, having moved in with Owl, I keep expecting to wake up and find him curled up next to me.

I might use the painting J did of Spock, a little study of him in gouache, to set up an ofrenda or something like it for him. I could add Daddy on there, too.

Yesterday was actually Día de los Muertos de la Mascota. The Day of the Dead for Pets; maybe that’s why I felt like he was with me? I had bad dreams last night and I could have sworn I felt him jump up on the bed and settle on my hip. And now I’m crying. Gods, I miss him. He was my baby man.

For those of you who still have your fur babies, please hold them close for me, give them extra lovings because I can’t.

I am going to go crochet until I stop crying.

Take your meds, folks.

15,096 Days Alive

7 Minute Interview

1/2 Bushel of Apples Peeled and Chopped

I haven’t much to say tonight. I am exhausted and in pain. The interview I attended was straight up weird and I was in and out in under ten minutes. Tomorrow will be better.

Take your meds, folks.

15,095 Days Alive

3 Rounds of Pain Meds Taken Today

2 Bowls of Pasta Salad Eaten

1/2 Way Through Uncle Mark’s Two Tone Throw

I finally hit the official half way point on the Two Tone Throw I am making for Uncle Mark. It may end up being smaller than initially planned, just because of yarn and a few other factors.

Right now, the plan for the Two Tone Throw is seven blocks long by eight wide. It may end up a square seven by seven with a decent border on it. It’s a throw blanket after all, not making sized bed spread or anything like that.

I need to take measurements and figure out the finished dimensions before I add a border to make sure I have enough yarn for the whole project. I’d hate to get nearly done and have to frog most of a repeat due to running out of yarn.

Another project I have on my hook is a shawl for Owl! It’s in the colorway “Mad Scientist” by Hobbii yarn. It’s such a great colorway. The cake goes from bright, lime potion green to a mid green, then dark blue before ending in a red-toned purple. Just… *chef’s kiss* a beautiful thing. I also got two skeins of “Spooky Nightmare”, also by Hobbii yarn with intent to make myself something.

The weather cha ge, and my body being dumb, knocked me through a loop today. I could barely sleep last night because my stupid lower back and my hips were screaming in pain. My back was spamming, which has happened before a few times. But both hips acting a fool at the same time? I flopped around overall over in bed last night more times than a Costco rotisserie chicken does. Ugh.

I have taken my muscle relaxer because I need to be bright eyed and not moving like a half frozen turtle tomorrow for my interview. I am very disappointed that the law firm never got back to me, but maybe this position will get me somewhere. I just really need a job. Not having anything coming in is really damaging my calm.

I am going to get a few more stitches in on Owl’s shawl before I try to pass out.

Take your meds, folks.

Do you set personal goals for yourself?

I do set personal goals for myself; I am very much a listmaker, and enjoy writing out plans even if they end up goi g sideways.

15,093 Days Alive

3 Pumpkins Purchased for Carving and/or Cooking

1/2 Bushel of Apples Brought Home

Today was AMAZING. Do you know the last time I was able to go pumpkin picking at a farm or orchard? Fucking Bill Clinton was still president the last time I picked my own pumpkin.

I picked out a traditional orange boy, but Owl and I also got a candy squash, a pair of tiny gourds, and two other pumpkins for cooking! I hope we can dry out the seeds from the three large ones and get our own pumpkin patch going in the side yard next year.

I was so happy, I nearly cried. It was so much fun, and I didn’t feel pressured to perform enjoyment or push myself too far outside of my comfort zone (ie the corn maze) and do something that could trigger a panic attack. So that was a relief.

The last time I was made to partake in a corn maze, I had a massive asthma attack and got my ass beat black and blue for “ruining the fun”. Not a thing that would repeat these days,as both parental units that abused me are dead. May their memories be blessings to those that loved them. I am not one of them.

Anyway, the orchard/pumpkin patch was amazing and I am genuinely looking forward to processing the half bushel of apples with Owl tomorrow. We plan to make at least one pie, jarred apple pie filling, and apple butter.

For some reason, though, I am having a hard time settling down. I ended up needing a nap after the orchard. I was just wrung out. And then I got overstimulated by Pippy the puppy. She’s nearly six months old now and getting bigger by the day. Still, she’s a land shark, with puppy teething habits and a propensity to launch herself at my head. My skin felt too tight and I was leg-bouncing trying to self soothe.

So I popped off to take a shower and am now watching The Nightmare Before Christmas for the… sixth or seventh time this month. It is a soothing movie for me; not just because it is a musical and familiar but because spooky season is in full swing! J’s birthday is next week, too! Same as the holiday.

Anyway, Sally is having her vision of Jack’s Christmas going up in flames. I am going to go sit in my purple chair, finish the movie, and head to bed.

Take your meds, folks.

15,092 Days Alive

1 Interview Tuesday Morning

I have had a bad day. Post-manic episode depression is no joke. Literally discussing someone else’s unexpected loss of their beloved kitty cat made me nearly break down crying.

I’m not doing okay. I know that it is likely that I will just be able to ride this out and level out in a few days to weeks. I tried to get some writing done in the wake of the hypergraphic session, but I was barely able to squeak out about 150 words. I hate how useless I feel after manic episodes.

It has been a while since I had a multi-day manic swing. I hate it. I feel great and then can barely function. And, of course, this is all happening while I am uninsured so I cant exactly be seen for psych issues when I have no health insurance and there are months-long waiting lists unless I am actively attempting to shuffle myself off the mortal coil. Which I’m not.

And! Icing on the yucky cake: my gallbladder is hurting again, I have heartburn from the red sauce that was dinner, I’m cramping like a motherfucker, and all I really want is some cinnamon candy. Like hot tamales or cinnamon bears or some red hots. My brain wants candy dopamine like…now.

Anyway, I am going to bed in self defense because I am annoying myself being awake.

Take your meds, folks.

What’s the most underrated movie you’ve ever watched?

The most underrated movie I’ve ever watched was Demolition Man.

What’s something you’ve done that you never thought you could?

One thing I recently did that I never thought I could was graduate college with a 4.0!

15,089 Days Alive

33 1/2 Hours Awake

1 Brief Nap Achieved

Okay, so my amazing partner Owl has a work thing this week that is taking place overseas. She’s attending the conference digitally, so she has to get up at one a.m. local time to do her work and participate.  And then I hyperfocsed on something.

Because I got up to make sure Owl was up in time for her conference, I ended up being awake from 9a.m. yesterday to now, with one brief cat nap grabbed.

But I got an awesome drawing mostly drawn and inked! That is today’s image. I am very proud of it. It’s another one of my spells via florography, symbolism, and about seven hours of non-stop work.

I need sleep. Take your meds, folks.