The Latest Letters from Wonderland

31,836 Feet in the Air

15,074 Days Alive

1,011 Miles Flown Today

1 Very Turbulent Flight

My trip to Florida ended today. I’m actually typing this draft up at 10,000 feet or something. But the ride is a little bumpier than I would normally care for; but since we’re flying through a bit of weather over Tampa right now, I suppose that’s tolerable. I just wish the dips that make my stomach drop like I’m on a roller coaster laid off a bit. There should be a beverage or something coming around as soon as the weather lets up. Yay for free food! Even if it’s just a tiny, anemic bag of pretzel twists.

The visit itself went well. I flew in through Midway to Orlando International. And then I  got to stay at Mal’s and Bubbles’ place. It was great seeing the niblings. I used to call them something else here, but they are definitely growing into their own people. The eldest nibling is seven years old and reminds me a bit of an old, Transatlantic accented actress. Makes me want to rename her Moxie or something. I think I shall. The younger nibling is a sweet, probably neurospicy six-year-old who rolls her eyes like it’s an Olympic sport. Not sure what I referred to her as previously, but I think she is now going to be Dulcie. She is sweet, but can be a lot in large doses. They both can be, but they don’t meant any true menace behind it.

Ooof, this turbulance is making me mildly nauseated. Thankfully, I haven’t eaten recently. I had a bite with Mal on the way into the airport back at like… three p.m. But it’s after eight pm now. I had a Diet Mountain Dew at the airport terminal. It cost me $2.75 for a damned single poptart pack, s’mores of course. And double that for the pop! I hate airport prices.

I feel bad for being tired out so easily this weekend. There were two or three moments where I just legit had to step away because I was very overstimulated.  Again, it wasn’t anything more than the niblings being kids, but I am so much older than the teenager that ran herd on half the damned homeless shelters’ kids. I did get to draw and color with Moxie and Dulcie. Moxie in particular has an interest in learning how to draw. I think I may send her some art supplies for the winter holiday. Dulcie likes shiny things, science, and echoing others. I might send them a rock tumbler to share or an activity bucket for each of them. Moxie might like digging in the sand buckets in particular.

This, of course, is all assuming that I find gainful employment again here soon. I dislike being unemployed. I am going to register at a local employment agency sometime this week, see if that helps. I also have a few leads to chase from Indeed. What with 75 applications put in, I was hoping for more of a response from some of the prospective employers. But I have gotten a nibble from a law office about 20 minutes away from the Parliment of Chaos. A close commute is important to me with gas prices kissing the underside of $5.00 a few times in the last weeks.

And… more turbulance is expected, I think, since the lovely flight attendants aren’t serving beverages just yet. That’s okay though. I am delighted that I have lost enough weight that I am actually able to use the damned tray table on the flight. So I’ll get some writing done, even if it is ‘only’ a blog entry. I could be working on my novel, but my brain is more focused on the micro adjustments of trying to sit up straight on a flying plane. It’s like the highway, but a million times worse. Mmm, perhaps worse is not the proper word. More intense would be more accurate. And even more turbulance hit. Pattern recognition can be a boon just as often as a curse, I suppose.

Owl and I are doing well. She’s so damn smart and challenges me to be a better person. She’s also a fantastic cuddler and makes me smile when I think of her. She’s sassy, sure, but nowhere near the cruelty of the hexwife. Sarcasm is a definite love language with Owl, but she is also fantastically kind and brutally honest, but has candor and tact as well. So she doesn’t say a whole lot from a place of anger or malice that I have experienced over the years knowing her. Almost seven years, I think? If my math is right. It’s not like I can log back into my long-defunct OKCupid account. I don’t even know what email it would have been tied to, what with me making it back in 2006!

Flying is still not my preferred mode of transport. Trains are. Always have been, even as a child growing up in Chicago and in the suburbs where the Metra and Amtrak ran.

I started re-talking with a new friend and potential date mate fairly recently. We had talked intially a month or two ago, but both of us had life run us over in more ways than one. So we took a break to get our respective heads on straight. His name is Bear; he’s complicated but hilarious and I really enjoy talking with him. We shall see how that develops.

I cannot wait to get home. The damn turbulance is killing me and my stomach. My poor seatmate to my left had a Chipotle burrito bowl that she hasn’t been able to crack open this entire flight because of all the turbulance giving us a ride.

We’re beginning our final descent now, so I suppose I shall sign off for now. Maybe I can get back into the habit of writing on a more regular basis again. Daily is the hope, but even once a week is a good thing.
Take your meds, folks.

15,070 Days Alive

1,155 Miles Flown, Approximately, Yesterday

2 More Days Until My Graduation Ceremony!

1 Meal Shared With An Old Friend

I got to see Lex today, which was amazing! We went to Fiesta Cancun Mexican Restaurant. Honestly, it was very much like being back in Cancun! The decor was stunning, if visually overwhelming. But the food was amazing and the company even better.

I can’t believe I’ve known Lex for a quarter of a century. Twenty-five years of friendship, even mostly afar after high school, is insane to me. I’m still friends with two or three others from that era, but not many remain in my orbit. Lex knew me in the depths of my homelessness and was absolutely a lifesaver more than once. I am so glad we were able to meet up.

The flight yesterday was a bit more turbulent than I would have cared for, but my seatmate to my right was a very kind woman. The man to my left was apathetic to my existence. He was a bit of a leg spreader, which made being in the middle seat a little miserable. But the flight went well enough. No emergency landing, only like an hour of a two and a half hour flight was spent in turbulence, so better than the whole thing.

It is definitely weird being back in Florida. I’m so glad to be here for my graduation and glad that Mal and  Bubbles were able to put me up. Cousin J is crashing here tonight as well, so a total family reunion. Cousin J won’t be able to make it to my graduation ceremony, unfortunately. Work came up and it’s something she can’t get out of or delegate. Grandma Gator also isn’t able to make it, which is super disappointing to me. We at least get to meet her for lunch down in Sarasota. Means a lot of driving for Mal, unfortunately,  but at least I get to see her, I guess. Cousin Kay will be there, though! With her significant other, Danny. He’s a pretty cool guy and I wasn’t expecting to see him.

The fact that I am finally graduating from college feels pretty surreal. Also being with family is overwhelming. The tiny humans, Bubbles Jr. and Phee,  are very… intense but not in a bad way. I’m glad to be here.

And now, we are going to go draw!

Take your meds, folks!

15,053 Days Alive

15 Days Till I See My Florida Fam

13/32 Motifs Finished

1 No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day Brightened By a Work Friend

I forgot my lunch today. I also fucking started bleeding again, which is some utter bullshit. I was grumpy and out of sorts and one minute late to work today. It just wasn’t a good day.

Until it was.

Now, it ain’t rainbows and lollipops. I ate dinner, which was another can of soup, and made myself some Spam fries to go with it. But I legitimately wasn’t sure if I was going to make it come unscathed after not having anything to eat for lunch. And then… my coworker dashed into the lobby. She shoved my favorite Subway cookie and a veggie dip snack pack at me, and disappeared before I could stutter more than a confused thank you.

I really love veggie snack packs, and again, favorite Subway cookie. I nearly cried at my desk.

So. While the day still sucked and it wasn’t a good day, a random act of kindness got me through the day.

Now, I’m going to go read some trashy novel and try to pass out early.

Take your meds, folks.

15,046 Days Alive

47 Minutes Spent Cleaning Up My Room with Owl as my Body Double

22 Days to Finish the Surprise Daisy Cardigan for Grandma Gator

22 Days Until My Commencement Trip

11/38 Daisy Motifs Made

2 Packets of Garlic and Herb Tuna Eaten for Dinner that Benny the Cat Tried to Help Me Eat

Drove the 144 miles from Owl’s place in Illinois back to Madison today. Only a few more weeks and I’ll be living there full time. The same amount of time until my commencement trip.

I’m struggling to focus lately. The perimenopause brain scramble is kicking my ass. But since I’m moving, I can’t try to get on meds to help me focus because I’ll be without insurance for however long it takes for it to kick in at the new job I don’t yet have. I

don’t want to be making the leap without a job, but I’m tired of the commute back and forth. And it will be easier to get to job interviews in the city and area I’m hunting in while I’m there.

I might see about what the travel times on the morning trains are like for the Metra, see if I can widen my job search radius without more wear and tear on my car. Not to mention the joys of not having to drive too much in winter.

So much change is happening in such a short time. I am grateful but terrified.

Oh well. Gotta catch some sleep for work tomorrow.

Take your meds, folks.

15,040 Days Alive

94 Days till Hanukkah

77 Days Since Spock Passed Away

65 Days Since I Turned 41

0 Days Since I’ve Broken Down Crying

I miss him so fucking much. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fucking fair. I got sixteen years with my beloved Spockeroni, but my love for him is now grief, as grief is love with nowhere to go.

I’m going to bed. Happy start of the -ber months, y’all.

Take your meds, folks.

15,037 Days Alive

1 Great Act of Kindness

I ordered my cap and gown for graduation!!! I am so damn excited for graduation. I didn’t get chosen for speaking, but I’m actually quite okay with that.

I cried myself to sleep last night. A lot of big emotions right now. I’m moving out of my brother’s place at the end of September and I am… anxious about it.

I’ll be living in Illinois full-time, hopefully fully employed as soon as I get back from graduation. We shall see.

Anyway, it’s been a long day. Even with an iced pumpkin chai beverage earlier today, I am exhausted. I am super emotional, for a bunch of reasons. I miss Spock. I miss a lot of people. But I am doing my best to keep going.

Take your meds, folks.

15,035 Days Alive

Today was not a good day. Tomorrow should be better.

Take your meds, folks.

15,034 Days Alive

138 Miles to Drive from Work to the Parliament of Chaos

9 Tim Burton Comfort Films Watched in the Last Month

4 Specific Movies to Watch Planned (9 to 5, Clue, Steel Magnolias, and Muppet Treasure Island)

2 Days Until I Travel to the Parliament of Chaos Again

1 Crying Fit at 5am…Again

Life sure is life-ing again. It’s been a month since my last entry. I was trying to get back into the daily habit of blogging but seem to have, at least temporarily, failed.

In my defense: I am tired down to my soul. Sad to my bones. Exhausted through the whole damn bloodline. The whole damn self/me/whatever is powered by the inability to admit defeat or find restful moments; a ridiculous amount of sheer dumb luck and caring friends; an unhealthy amount of sugar free, caffeinated beverages; the desire to outlive both of my parents in the number of years they survived themselves; and a whole lot of spite.

For those playing the numbers game:

• 60 Years, 7 Months, & 14 Days of My Mother’s Existence or 22,141 Days
• 58 Years, 1 Month, & Fifteen Days of Daddy’s Existence or 21,229 Days

It’s like a potion of fuckery, my brain. Sadness and anger so self-pointed I feel like I’m drowning in feelings. I hate myself. I hate the parallels I see in my choices. I hate that I’ve had to beg for help lately, even if I appreciate those willing to give it. I fucking hate that $50 would barely make a dent in what I need right now, though it would be enough to fill my gas tank at least. It would be another $25 to get a pack of the only meal shake I don’t seem to be allergic to, which is stupid. At least that’s a dozen or so, if memory serves correctly. It’s all on an Amazon Wishlist to help me get more calories and more snacks into my diet per my nutritionist. And of course there are Slim Jim’s on that list. Because I love them.

Anyway, my brain is constantly deprived of dopamine and serotonin for some stupid reason and jabbing it angrily with a toothpick would do fuck all. So I take my meds, sleep if I can, and deal with a ridiculous baseline for pain.

I’m so tired. I want to give up. I really do. But I don’t know how.

There are positive things going for me. I graduated with a 4.0, honor’s society, and Dean’s List. I have my tickets to Orlando and back for graduation. I have four new tires on my vehicle because they were worn to the metal on the rear. It wasn’t pretty, and I hydroplaned pretty badly last week in the rain.

I’ve been watching my comfort movies a lot. I am certain an eagle-eyed cinephile might catch the common thread in this particular list:

• Alice in Wonderland, 2010
• Alice Through the Looking Glass, 2016
• Big Fish, 2003
• Corpse Bride, 2005
• Edward Scissorhands, 1990
• James and the Giant Peach, 1996
• Nightmare Before Christmas, 1993
• Sleepy Hollow, 1999
• Sweeney Todd, 2007

Yeah, Tim Burton films are my comfort items. Him, Guillermo del Toro, and Roland Emmerich.

Like… I know it will get better. If only in little ways. I know that my suffering is small compared to some others’ current battles. I am just… not okay. I don’t know what to do about it other than keep going. I can’t rest, I can’t afford to.

Dear Universe: I need help. I’m not asking for something ridiculous like the $10,522.50 it would take to pay off my car. But maybe just enough to get me some gas in my tank and a few groceries?

I also have a minor toothache that has kept me up the last two nights, so that’s been hell, too. If you could, Dear Universe, I would like that to stop. And maybe, just maybe, let me stop crying every fucking day from missing Mr. Spock? I’m so tired of waking up to a tear-dampened pillow. I just want things to stop being so hard.

Take your meds, folks.

15,003 Days Alive

144+ Miles Driven Today

2 Hours of Country for Car Karaoke Sung Along To

Owl and I fell asleep cuddling and watching an early collection of The Great British Baking Show. As such, I left almost an hour later than I usually do to go back to Madison. I am… toast after this weekend.

To help keep myself more alert on the long ass drive from the Parliament of Chaos back to Madison, I put on a favorite Spotify playlist, linked above, and sang. I sang along the entire trip to avoid imbibing a ridiculous amount of caffeine to keep me awake. At least my anxiety makes me hyper-vigilant when driving. I kind of wish I had someone to talk to the last forty five minutes or so of the drive, but I was also really enjoying my playlist.

The majority of my belongings now live at the Parliament of Chaos, with some assorted art supplies, some of my witchy stuff, and almost all my clothes are still here in Madison. I’m hoping that I’m able to find work down in Illinois before my housing situation destabilizes.

Anyway, moving all that stuff, even with adolescent assistance yesterday, was exhausting.

I need so many storage solutions, mostly in the form of bookshelves, honestly. I have a very small Amazon wishlist for things I need to furnish and nest in my space properly. If anyone has any suggestions on things to add, please let me know!

For now, I’m for bed.

Take your meds, folks.

15,002 Days Alive

313 Miles Travelled Today

2 Chicago-Style Hot Dogs Eaten

Trigger warnings: loss of pet, grief, depression

I miss my Spock. He passed away, in my arms, on the 16th of June. Five weeks and I am still devastated. He was 16 and will be greatly, greatly missed.

We were together through sixteen years, seventeen moves across seven states. One very well travelled baby man that I miss every day. I am not ready for another cat of my own. I get to love on my sweet feline nephew, Bennett, when home in Madison.

Well… sort of home. I just did a five hour round-trip today with my girlfriend Owl, her kiddo Goblyn, their boyfriend Ty, and the bonus kiddo, Sablyn. It was definitely an experience. I’m glad that I didn’t have to move all of my stuff by myself. Uncle Comic helped with today’s relocation efforts with the use of his panel van, and the storage space therein.

So, I am absolutely exhausted physically. But mentally? My brain cannot shut off, even though I am so tired it physically hurts. All I can do is lay here and pray that I get some sleep tonight. Especially since I have to drive back to Madison tomorrow afternoon so I can be home in time for work on Monday.

I am still not doing good/well/whatever you wanna call it. Depression is kicking my ass. Grief is kicking ass. Stress is kicking my ass. Basically, there’s a lot of ass kicking going around. I

I lost Spock. I graduated from college! had food poisoning for almost 6 days. I get full-time benefits from work as of next month! I may have to change jobs from where I’m working in Madison to something a little closer to Aurora, Illinois to put me closer to the parliament of Chaos.

I think my body is finally going to let me get some sleep.

Take your meds, folks.

14,961 Days Alive

I got to make cold processed soap today with Owl. I am more than a little worried because Mr. Spock is under the weather and he’s just so damn old for a cat.

I’m going to bed in self-defense.

Take your meds, folks.

14,960 Days Alive

1,085 Days Since My Mother’s Death

I am down in Illinois visiting my girlfriend Owl and I realized that I genuinely feel like she is a supportive partner, not a child masquerading as an adult. It’s a rather glorious realization.

Owl needed help with taking down a cabinet in her kitchen, so I got to be a Handy Gay for her and take the doors off the kitchen cabinet. And then we went to Menard’s to get a pry bar and small sledgehammer to take the rest of it down. We have also enlisted Owl’s youngling son, Goblyn, and said teenager’s boyfriend Ty, to help with the gleeful , purposeful destruction.

I am tired from all the physical labor from today, and am in desperate need of a shower. I know that I will likely sleep well tonight.

I am glad to be able to help, even if I’m a little sore tomorrow. I am also glad to know that if I need help, it can be worked off in part by sweat equity.

Anyway, I didn’t bring crocheting with me so I’m off to spend time with Owl and Goblyn.

Take your meds, folks.

14,959 Days Alive

144 Miles to Drive Tomorrow Morning

13 Homework Assignments Done Tonight

3 Mild Italian Sausage Meatballs Eaten with Dinner

Tomorrow morning at bright o’clock, which here translates to approximately eight a.m., I will be trundling down the road for two plus hours to go see Owl and her parliament of chaos.

I’m going to get to be a handy gay and help take down a cabinet in the kitchen to make room for her new appliance. I love being able to use power tools for both good and mischief. This case is primarily leaning towards the former and staunchly avoiding the latter.

Spock has been a little under the weather today, but seems to be on the mend. I should get him to the vet here soon for his annual.

Speaking of a full year: it is sixteen days until the one year anniversary of my arrival here in Wisconsin. Strange how slowly and quickly time has flown. Getting laid off back in September 2025 really damaged my calm and financial health. Ugh.

I’ve got a question for you, my dear readers: if I used the word “acquiescence” or “acquiesce” in a sentence, would you know what I meant? I used it at work today, specifically because I was asking about someone’s willingness and capacity to assist me in a task. But… I had to break out the Pirates of the Caribbean reference to make myself understood. When asked why I didn’t just announce that I needed help, I kind of fumbled for an alternative to “I did, but y’all were otherwise occupied jabber-jawing about an admittedly enjoyable show and weren’t listening the first two or three times I asked”. I get… crisp when frustrated.

In any case, I did get the help I needed, taught my coworkers a few new words (overmorrow anyone?), and got to find out one of our patrons is a literature professor for the local college. I made him snort in rather indelicate laughter when I said something along the lines of “at least I didn’t say please spare me the dubious joy of your company”. Made my day, really.

I should head to bed. I’ve been up for seventeen hours now and I am toast.

Take your meds, folks.