I can’t sleep. I feel wretched and I can’t get warm no matter how many cups of tea I drink.Continue reading “Insomnia Interlude 13”
Today is one of those days where I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try.
Ten to one odds, I’ll fall asleep after five am and wake up with my alarm, feeling like mildly microwaved death.Continue reading “Insomnia Interlude 12”
Do I not have enough reading challenges for 2019? (Seven is the current count, with this one.)
Do I have far too much time spent not sleeping in the wee hours? (I’ve been awake almost 24 hours now)
Do I chill in the bathtub and read by the light of the shower light when I can’t sleep? (I don’t want to wake my Darling Wife)
If you guessed “yes” to any of these, you’re right!Continue reading “#ABC2019-The Analog Book Challenge 2019”
12,239 Days Alive
I am a failure and I want to die most days. Continue reading “Insomnia Interlude 11”
12,209 Days Alive
It’s my own fault I’m awake. I should not have napped for three hours this afternoon. But I literally lost functional Brian power because I was so tired.
I’ve taken my meds. I’ve eaten dinner, twice if you count the frozen meal.
I need to pick up more low-spoon meals. Like some damn veggie crumbles and make a mess of taco meat with them. And just have frozen taco meat to add to eggs or a salad or into a low carb quesadilla.
That’s a good plan. A mix of meat and not-meat pre-made taco meat. Maybe I can make myself a meal plan?
Something to make sure I actually eat. It is far too easy to feel like I don’t deserve it.
Thank goodness for friends like my Darling Wife, J, Eli, and Tink. They can tempt me with food when I don’t feel like existing.
12,256 Days Alive
I wonder how different things would be if I had died.
If, when my playful, and now dead over a year, stepfather tossed me into the deep end and I sunk like the not-swimming rock I was at the time, my mother hadn’t noticed. If she hadn’t dived in, after kicking off shoes, socks, and watch, and pulled me up. She bemoaned for years that I ruined her hearing aid with that “stunt”. As if I had any choice or say in the matter of drowning.
Or, if when I developed pneumonia some time afterward if I hadn’t shaken it.
Or if in one of the car accidents I’ve been in, I wasn’t so fortunate as to be able to walk away.
Or if I had been successful in any of my suicide attempts.
I suppose it would matter as to the when of my death. If I had died in high school, or before? It’s a horrible thought. Like that Christmas movie, I’ve never seen with the angels and bells.
It’s a Wonderful Life. That’s the name of the movie! That’s what it is. I had to Google it. I should watch that.
I know that I have had a least a minor impact on several peoples’ lives. I do. But Gods does it feel like I’m screaming into an echo chamber sometimes.
I’ve survived a lot. I’m sure I’ll be fine in daylight.
Days Alive: 12,202
Hours Slept: 3
Hours in the car today: 4 planned for travel to/from
Can’t sleep again. I could be writing, but it is pain keeping me awake this time.
I wish I was curled up in front of a fireplace, with a cup of tea.
I wish it was cold out. I wish I wasn’t nauseous from pain.
I wish I was asleep.
Days alive: 12,192
Hours slept: not enough
I am awake again. We went to bed a little after 9pm. And for the third night in a row, here I am awake. Aware. Staring at the damned ceiling wishing I was asleep.
Days alive: 12, 178
Hours slept: not enough
Articles read: 4
As it often happens, I can’t sleep tonight. So I’ve been surfing the internet for NaNoWriMo prep stuff, helpful articles and the like.
Days alive: 12,166.1
Hours slept: 2.5
Cats asleep on my right now: 3
Times I’ve done NaNoWriMo: 10
Times I’ve actually completed a novel: 0
Can’t sleep. Don’t want to read. Just kind of staring at the ceiling waiting for the alarm to go off in… whatever hours.
Days alive: 12,156.01
Hours slept: 3.5
Alarm goes off: 6:25am
I was really hoping for a good nights sleep. But alas, a headache.
Hopefully I can get back to sleep here shortly. The cats are being exceedingly cuddly right now. So that does help a bit.
I would read, but my eyes hurt from this damn headache.
At least I got to have some goofy adventures with J today. Never underestimate the power of faffing off at Target for a bit.
Days alive: 12,149.5
Hours awake: 45 and change.
I was hoping to sleep well tonight. Not so, I guess. New med still screwing with my sleep schedule. Maybe I’ll get some rest tomorrow night.
It was a chill, restful evening after a stomach churning levels of stressful day at work. I’m hoping things will get better soon. I keep wildly vacillating between braking into tears and being so bloody manic/upbeat/cheerful I want to strangle myself just to save everyone else from it.
In other news, I found this gorgeous feather outside of work today. I don’t know diddly squat about birds, so I haven’t the foggiest what it could belong to other than “bird”.
Anyway. I’m going to try to sleep at least a little. Or just stare at the inside of my eyelids until my alarm goes off.
Days alive: 12,148.8
Hours awake: 22 hours, 17 minutes.
As I was born in the wee hours of the morning, it hasn’t quite yet been another full day, I suppose.
I can’t sleep.
Not that much a shock, as I’m still adjusting to the new meds. I even spoke to the cute pharmacist today, to see his opinion on adjusting the timing. He agreed that taking it at the morning was likely best for me with how I’ve been reacting to it.
I think the worst part is the fear that’s is another manic episode. Because I’m running on scant hours of sleep and yet I’m not all that tired. I wake up obnoxiously awake, as my coworker enjoyed telling me today. I was too cheerful for Monday.
Meanwhile, my mind is literally screaming incoherently for hours on end and no amount of anti-anxiety meds seem to be of assistance. I can’t focus to save my life and all I want is a good night’s sleep and to be able to focus. Neither seems possible right now. But I have my follow up on the tenth and I’ll make it till then. It’s not like I’ve not gone a fortnight on seven hours of sleep before.