Category: Insomnia Interlude

#ABC2019-The Analog Book Challenge 2019

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

Do I not have enough reading challenges for 2019? (Seven is the current count, with this one.)

Do I have far too much time spent not sleeping in the wee hours? (I’ve been awake almost 24 hours now)

Do I chill in the bathtub and read by the light of the shower light when I can’t sleep? (I don’t want to wake my Darling Wife)

If you guessed “yes” to any of these, you’re right!

Continue reading “#ABC2019-The Analog Book Challenge 2019” →

Insomnia Interlude 10

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,209 Days Alive

It’s my own fault I’m awake. I should not have napped for three hours this afternoon. But I literally lost functional Brian power because I was so tired.

I’ve taken my meds. I’ve eaten dinner, twice if you count the frozen meal.

I need to pick up more low-spoon meals. Like some damn veggie crumbles and make a mess of taco meat with them. And just have frozen taco meat to add to eggs or a salad or into a low carb quesadilla.

That’s a good plan. A mix of meat and not-meat pre-made taco meat. Maybe I can make myself a meal plan?

Something to make sure I actually eat. It is far too easy to feel like I don’t deserve it.

Thank goodness for friends like my Darling Wife, J, Eli, and Tink. They can tempt me with food when I don’t feel like existing.

Insomnia Interlude 9

~ Theodora Vanyar

12,256 Days Alive

I wonder how different things would be if I had died.

If, when my playful, and now dead over a year, stepfather tossed me into the deep end and I sunk like the not-swimming rock I was at the time, my mother hadn’t noticed. If she hadn’t dived in, after kicking off shoes, socks, and watch, and pulled me up. She bemoaned for years that I ruined her hearing aid with that “stunt”. As if I had any choice or say in the matter of drowning.

Or, if when I developed pneumonia some time afterward if I hadn’t shaken it.

Or if in one of the car accidents I’ve been in, I wasn’t so fortunate as to be able to walk away.

Or if I had been successful in any of my suicide attempts.

I suppose it would matter as to the when of my death. If I had died in high school, or before? It’s a horrible thought. Like that Christmas movie, I’ve never seen with the angels and bells.

It’s a Wonderful Life. That’s the name of the movie! That’s what it is. I had to Google it. I should watch that.

I know that I have had a least a minor impact on several peoples’ lives. I do. But Gods does it feel like I’m screaming into an echo chamber sometimes.

I’ve survived a lot. I’m sure I’ll be fine in daylight.

Insomnia Interlude 7

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

Days Alive: 12,202

Hours Slept: 3

Hours in the car today: 4 planned for travel to/from

Can’t sleep again. I could be writing, but it is pain keeping me awake this time.

I wish I was curled up in front of a fireplace, with a cup of tea.

I wish it was cold out. I wish I wasn’t nauseous from pain.

I wish I was asleep.