Do I not have enough reading challenges for 2019? (Seven is the current count, with this one.)
Do I have far too much time spent not sleeping in the wee hours? (I’ve been awake almost 24 hours now)
Do I chill in the bathtub and read by the light of the shower light when I can’t sleep? (I don’t want to wake my Darling Wife)
If you guessed “yes” to any of these, you’re right!
Continue reading “#ABC2019-The Analog Book Challenge 2019”
12,239 Days Alive
I am a failure and I want to die most days. Continue reading “Insomnia Interlude 11”
12,209 Days Alive
It’s my own fault I’m awake. I should not have napped for three hours this afternoon. But I literally lost functional Brian power because I was so tired.
I’ve taken my meds. I’ve eaten dinner, twice if you count the frozen meal.
I need to pick up more low-spoon meals. Like some damn veggie crumbles and make a mess of taco meat with them. And just have frozen taco meat to add to eggs or a salad or into a low carb quesadilla.
That’s a good plan. A mix of meat and not-meat pre-made taco meat. Maybe I can make myself a meal plan?
Something to make sure I actually eat. It is far too easy to feel like I don’t deserve it.
Thank goodness for friends like my Darling Wife, J, Eli, and Tink. They can tempt me with food when I don’t feel like existing.
12,256 Days Alive
I wonder how different things would be if I had died.
If, when my playful, and now dead over a year, stepfather tossed me into the deep end and I sunk like the not-swimming rock I was at the time, my mother hadn’t noticed. If she hadn’t dived in, after kicking off shoes, socks, and watch, and pulled me up. She bemoaned for years that I ruined her hearing aid with that “stunt”. As if I had any choice or say in the matter of drowning.
Or, if when I developed pneumonia some time afterward if I hadn’t shaken it.
Or if in one of the car accidents I’ve been in, I wasn’t so fortunate as to be able to walk away.
Or if I had been successful in any of my suicide attempts.
I suppose it would matter as to the when of my death. If I had died in high school, or before? It’s a horrible thought. Like that Christmas movie, I’ve never seen with the angels and bells.
It’s a Wonderful Life. That’s the name of the movie! That’s what it is. I had to Google it. I should watch that.
I know that I have had a least a minor impact on several peoples’ lives. I do. But Gods does it feel like I’m screaming into an echo chamber sometimes.
I’ve survived a lot. I’m sure I’ll be fine in daylight.
Days Alive: 12,202
Hours Slept: 3
Hours in the car today: 4 planned for travel to/from
Can’t sleep again. I could be writing, but it is pain keeping me awake this time.
I wish I was curled up in front of a fireplace, with a cup of tea.
I wish it was cold out. I wish I wasn’t nauseous from pain.
I wish I was asleep.
Days alive: 12,192
Hours slept: not enough
I am awake again. We went to bed a little after 9pm. And for the third night in a row, here I am awake. Aware. Staring at the damned ceiling wishing I was asleep.
Continue reading “Insomnia Interlude 6”
Days alive: 12, 178
Hours slept: not enough
Articles read: 4
As it often happens, I can’t sleep tonight. So I’ve been surfing the internet for NaNoWriMo prep stuff, helpful articles and the like.
Continue reading “Insomnia Interlude 5”
Days alive: 12,166.1
Hours slept: 2.5
Cats asleep on my right now: 3
Times I’ve done NaNoWriMo: 10
Times I’ve actually completed a novel: 0
Can’t sleep. Don’t want to read. Just kind of staring at the ceiling waiting for the alarm to go off in… whatever hours.
Continue reading “Insomnia Interlude 4”
Days alive: 12,156.01
Hours slept: 3.5
Alarm goes off: 6:25am
I was really hoping for a good nights sleep. But alas, a headache.
Hopefully I can get back to sleep here shortly. The cats are being exceedingly cuddly right now. So that does help a bit.
I would read, but my eyes hurt from this damn headache.
At least I got to have some goofy adventures with J today. Never underestimate the power of faffing off at Target for a bit.
Days alive: 12,149.5
Hours awake: 45 and change.
I was hoping to sleep well tonight. Not so, I guess. New med still screwing with my sleep schedule. Maybe I’ll get some rest tomorrow night.
It was a chill, restful evening after a stomach churning levels of stressful day at work. I’m hoping things will get better soon. I keep wildly vacillating between braking into tears and being so bloody manic/upbeat/cheerful I want to strangle myself just to save everyone else from it.
In other news, I found this gorgeous feather outside of work today. I don’t know diddly squat about birds, so I haven’t the foggiest what it could belong to other than “bird”.
Anyway. I’m going to try to sleep at least a little. Or just stare at the inside of my eyelids until my alarm goes off.