The Latest Letters from Wonderland

14,789 Days Alive

3 Chocolate Mint Candy Canes Taken from the Box

Another quick entry here. I don’t know what is going on with my account. I just had to reset the password for the third time in two days. Someone seems to be trying to get in, but thankfully they have not yet.

Christmas Eve and morning was awesome except for the slightly stale donuts I picked up at the grocery store yesterday. We did not get to Chinese food today because I had a panic attack and then a post-panic attack headache that nearly incapacitated me for the rest of the evening. I don’t even think I had dinner.

I’m going to go to bed. I will share pictures of our wonderful stockings and such later this week.

Take your meds, folks.

14,790 Days Alive

OK, this is gonna be a quick one because I’m running on a whole three hours of sleep today and for, I think the first time in at least five years if not longer, I have to go shopping on Christmas Eve. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it so much. But, again: most of my gifts this year to my household are edible and perishable.

We are going to try to watch Indiana Jones movies and have Chinese food for Christmas. Homemade Chinese food, cause we are broke as hell and trying to be responsible adults.

Also, tonight’s photo/GIF is not my old man, Mr. Spock, being a personal terror to a Christmas tree. It is just a random GIF that I found on GIPHY for this purpose. And that purpose is humor

Merry Christmas Eve! And take your meds, folks.

14,789 Days Alive

2 Packets of Hot Cocoa Powder Accidentally Added to My Cup

My new job does the full-timers well around the holidays. And Rose, rockstar that she is, set up a hot cocoa bar in the break room! Super cool. Of course, I got distracted listening to someone talk about books and accidentally added two packets of hot cocoa to one cup. A delicious mistake, but I kinda felt bad.

I am off work until maybe Friday? Basically until Sunday night unless Poppy needs me on Friday.

This holiday season has been mega rough on me for some reason. And bonus: I haven’t finished my holiday shopping because almost half my gifts are edible! I want to find blood oranges for Lucian, glass bottle vanilla Frappuccinos for Brian, and Sheba wet cat food shreds in fish and poultry for Spock and Benny.

I am really good at functional gifts. I do like to do “one just for fun” for people, though. Like an adorable, trans flag shark for Lucian. His online handle is shark-related and so are a bunch of his plushies. He even has a massive stuffed shark that’s almost as tall as I am from snout to tail fin that he calls Chum Buddy. It’s great. And Brian? Nice, thick, long merino wool socks! He’s got big feet and no “proper” winter shoes, nor does he really need them. But socks are an always awesome gift.

Recently, my anxiety has had a chokehold on me. I am just an emotional wreck. I just have to keep taking a deep breath and waiting until 1 January. When that finally hits, I will be able to access my insurance card. And once I have that I can make a therapy appointment. Or, at least try to find a therapist that has an opening in the next three months or so. One that doesn’t think asexuality is a phase or something to be fixed. One that is queer, friendly and gender affirming.

It’s so freaking difficult. I should seriously watch the damn blue fish on repeat. The memory-challenged one from Finding Nemo. Because all of it has been going through my head all of the holiday season so far, and in a couple months beforehand, is that stupid, annoying, ridiculous “just keep swimming” song.

So. That is what I am going to try my best to do. I’m going to keep taking my meds. And I’m going to keep on my health provider about my financial assistance application. Because if I could shell out somewhere around less than $300 a month, that would be awesome.

Let’s hope I get more than two and a half hours of sleep tonight.

Take your meds, folks.

14,788 Days Alive

2,222 Days Straight on Duolingo

2 Massive Trays of Chicken Nachos Made for Dinner

Well, I finished today kind of late, but at least I finished. I am still struggling emotionally with the holidays and everything else going on right now. And that stuff going on in my life, the lives of my loved ones, and the general world on fire thing we’re all dealing with right now.

I did, however, get my requisite pre-Christmas watch of Muppet Christmas Carol in! I haven’t watched Scrooged in a while, so maybe we can watch that one as a family Christmas Eve.

One thing I am looking forward to making new holiday traditions with my family. Lucian and Brian have been so kind and understanding into need for relocation and for safety. Having space that is only mine, meaning my bedroom, has been amazing. I mean, I had it when I lived in Chicago, in the third floor walk up. But that was only for maybe six months? I’m happy here even if my brain is still stuck on sad mode.

I’m going to head to bed. The next couple of days are sure to be interesting. I’m hoping I can introduce Lucian and Brian to the good, old-fashioned, Jewish tradition of Chinese food and a movie on Christmas Day.

Take your meds, folks!

14,787 Days Alive

2,223 Days Straight on Duolingo

$86.47 Due for My January Health Insurance Premium

40th Winter Solstice I Have Lived

3 Hours Or Less Sleep Gotten

1 Burnt Out Self

I fell asleep after six am and was up again by ten a.m. For whatever reason, even with my anti-anxiety meds, sleep evades me.

Maybe it’s just a weird seasonal depression symptom or something? Exhaustion with no good rest? Or maybe it’s just anxiety kicking my ass.

I am going to do the best I can this week, since I’m only working two days of it, but man is it hard to focus.

Like, right now? Super fucking sad. I miss being able to find joy in just about anything. And I absolutely miss being able to laugh without it feeling hollow.

Yes. It is likely depression. But I don’t have insurance until 1st January, 2026. So. All I can do is my best to keep going.

At least I’m looking forward to whatever new holiday traditions Lucian, Brian, and I cook up together.

I also received one of the items I asked for off my holiday wish list: tiny resin turtles I plan to leave all over the office. That makes me smile just a little bit.

My head feels like there’s an ice pick buried in it.

Take your meds, folks.

List your top 5 grocery store items.

According to the app for my local grocery store the list is as follows:

1. Coke/Coke Zero
2. Cheese sticks
3. Kosher dill pickles
4. Chi-Chi’s medium salsa
5. Cat food

Honorable mention to the Gino’s East Chicago Deep Dish style frozen pizza and Diet Cream Soda Faygo.

14,785 Days Alive

2,221 Days Straight on Duolingo

4 Hours Spent at the Big Gay Holiday Market

1 Hug from a Stranger

Trigger warning: discussion of parental demise.

I actually fought with myself on whether or not to post this one. I’ve decided to post it, but heavily trimmed of most of the anger I originally had spewing in this.

My coworker/trainer, Rose, and I went to the Big Gay Holiday Market here in Madison this evening! I had a budget of the $25 Visa gift card I had in my wallet. It was a blast!

I tried to ask for a hug from the people at the Free Mom Hugs booth. I got one but she was younger than me and… I dunno. I literally don’t remember the last time my mother hugged me before she died in 2023. Maybe when I was 21 or so?

I know there is a set of photos that exists of her and I, sitting squished together at the Photo Booth that was in Navy Pier. But again, I was 21 in this photos. There are ones in color of the four of us all haphazardly smooshed into the same Photo Booth. Mom, me, and both of my youngest brothers. It’s a mess, but a bittersweet memory that I can smile about, even if my eyes burn a little from unshed tears.

Daddy was another story, so very similar. The last time I saw him alive was in 2016. I just wanted parents who loved me. I didn’t get that, not in the ways I needed. And it makes me sad. It’s not my fault that mom ran off with me and after the third or fourth time, Daddy stopped chasing after her. It’s not my fault that mom was an addict, mentally ill, fantastically unstable, and tried to build whatever stability she could by having so many children. It is not my fault she kicked me out at sixteen. It’s not my fault Daddy chose his sexual gratification opportunities over my being housed or safe.

It is my fault that I can’t seem to let it go just yet. It is my fault that my last words to her were “I’m sorry you feel that way” in response to her vitriolic rant. It is my fault I kept reaching out, over and over and over again, hoping that this time would be different. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing, actually? That I still had hope she would be something other than an abuser and user and addict. She loved me as best she could. I do know that. But I know that she hated me as well; she made sure I knew that.

Anyway, on to slightly happier topics.

I was social today after work! I’m going to absolutely pay for it tomorrow in pain, but I did have fun. I found out about a lot of awesome local indie shop owners, met some cool authors, and saw a LOT of furries. Like… a lot. I also got a photo with Santa. And then I chatted with Mrs. Claus about her products (crocheted pocket-sized pals), the evils of blanket yarn, and the hitch that is the gauge swatch. It really was cool. And hanging out with Rose was really nice. She’s a super cool person.

I tried to get a Free Mom Hug. It… I waited until the end of the evening because I knew I might get emotional about it? And I didn’t want to walk around a convention center with red from crying eyes. She was slight of frame, looked more than slightly younger than me; honestly, bird boned and looked like someone I would tutor during college. I asked if they were still giving out hugs, seeing as it was near the end of the night market. She said yes and offered a hug enthusiastically. I felt like if I hugged her too hard, I might hurt her. Her hug was quick and light, like a goose feather drifting over the grass on a windy day.

I left, somehow feeling worse. I’ve dug out my weighted blanket again. I need my soul crushed back into my body. I’m feeling untethered and like I’m filled with tiny, sharp shards of glass. I hate it.

I’m going to lay down. I doubt I will get sleep, but at least I’ll try.

Take your meds, folks.

14,784 Days Alive

33 Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies Baked Tonight

0 Spoons Left

If I get to sleep before two am, it will be a miracle. I’ve made cookies for the company potluck tomorrow. I’ve tried to go to bed early. It is just after eleven and I have been flipping over like an annoyed rotisserie chicken.

I’m just going to take an anti-anxiety med.

Take your meds, folks.

14,783 Days Alive

7 Days Until Christmas Eve

1 Possible Future Road Trip for the Holiday?

I am looking back over all that has happened in 2025. It’s not all sunshine and roses, but there was growth.

Okay. So. Since January 2025, and in no particular order, I have:

1. Gone back to college for my Associates in Medical Billing and Coding
2. Broke up with a long-term partner, turned forty, drove from IN to WI with my cat & 1/3 of my life in the back seat of my car, met my older ( by 7 months!) half brother on my biodad’s side and moved in w/him & his hubby in the space of 24 hours
3. Made the Dean’s List (twice!)
4. Got laid off from my full-time job
5. Decided to self-partner until I have my life put back on a track where I like where I’m going
6. Got a part-time gig 1099ing for a paralegal
7. Resolved to start my own LLC
8. Started not being the only one who was primary cook in the home
9. Got in contact with a few old friends
10. Got a 2nd part time job (~2wks ago)
11. Met my younger half brother on my biodad’s side and broke bread with my older brother Lucian (also his half sibling) and his hubby, the new younger brother Ellis, his hilarious wife Maeve, and their little one, Myles
12. Got accepted into the Alpha Beta Kappa Honor’s Society for my college
13. Made at least one new friend here in WI
14. Got to visit the local botanical gardens with my former datemate, Llama, who came up for a week to see me
15. Made plans to walk for my college graduation in Fall 2026
16. Put really pretty curtains up in my window, both to block light and help control temps in my room
17. Got to visit the local zoo with Lucian, Briana, and Llama for Lucian’s birthday
18. Checked out at least 3 books a month from the local library
19. Visibly lost weight, but I don’t own a scale so who knows how much
20. Asked for help when I needed it
21. Am in the process of going through every Amazon list I had and purging most silly, useless things
22. Made a friend at work
23. Started crocheting a rug for my room

So. A whole fucking lot going on.

I made a massive pot of chicken enchilada soup for dinner this evening. It was AWESOME!

In any case, I am slowly compiling a Goals to Meet list, along with the steps I would need to complete them! I hope to have it up by NYE 2025.

Take your meds, folks!

14,782 Days Alive

30+ Random Ideas for Hypothetical Intentional Extinction of Select Individuals While At Dinner

3 New Family Members to Hug

1 Singing Voicemail Left for Grandma Gator

Son of a freakin’,three-headed progeny of a seven-legged Plutonian politician!!! I fell asleep. Again. I’ve been trying to go to bed early, but it hasn’t been working well, and then I get side tracked to the eighth power of AuDHD and whoops, there’s another gorram blog post sitting, confused, in my Drafts Box.

Okay, so I completely forgot we were supposed to meet our brother, Ellis, after work today. Good thing his lovely wife, here known as Maeve, managed to herd us metaphorical cats as needed.

It was weird but amazing.

I am trying to cut back on my caffeine consumption, so I am exhausted and going to bed.

Take your meds, folks!

14,781 Days Alive

I am in a ridiculously large amount of pain right now. I am finding it near physically impossible to get comfortable because my hips hurt. It needed doing so, I rearranged the entirety of the pantry today. Bottom to top.

So, of course, now my body is in rebellion. I managed to make some box from macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight. I was supposed to make the instant pot chicken enchilada soup. However, the pantry rearranging took over two hours on my feet. So! It will be soup time tomorrow. And we need to donate the ridiculously large thing of Chef Boyardee!

Take your meds, folks!

14,780 Days Alive

26 Books Chosen for the 2026 Alphabet Book Challenge

2 Days Until Grandma Gator’s Birthday

1st Day of Hanukkah

I absolutely forgot that Hanukkah started this evening. I gave Grandma Gator a buzz while I was on my way to the grocery store and she reminded me that it was both the first day of Hanukkah and a few days until her birthday!

I am so glad that I have been able to establish a great relationship with Grandma Gator. I am fairly certain that it started before my mom died; but I know for a fact that she was very supportive when I was dealing with the complicated tangle of emotions that was my mother’s passing. This coming spring, she’s going to be getting her house ready to sell. She’s lived in the same house since before the fall of the Berlin Wall! And she has at least three blankets I’ve made for her and my late Grandpa Gator. The plan so far is that she’s going to visit my Uncle Gator and his wife, Aunt Gator, in the springtime. They’re now living in the Four Corners area after a very long time in Florida. Once Grandma Gator is back, she’s going to start packing up her house. Since she’s firmly in the octogenarian era, she will absolutely need help. Sometime in the Spring, I am going to go down for about a week to stay with her to help her pack up and spend time with her. I absolutely anticipate flying home with a bunch of vinyl records in my bag! My late grandfather and I are fans of very similar music and Grandma said that I could look through his collection and take what I’d like.

The entire reason I went to the grocery store this evening was to buy the ingredients for tonight’s dinner. I was planning on making an Instant Pot variant of Chicken Enchilada Soup based on this recipe from Kristine’s Kitchen Blog. It was absolutely amazing last time I made it! But, because of several factors, I was out of spoons and mildly dizzy by the time I got home. I sat down, had a snack, and we decided to pivot for dinner. We just had leftover pizza instead, and I’ll make the soup for dinner tomorrow with some rice cooker made corn casserole! It’s a super easy recipe: one box of Famous Dave’s Original Recipe Corn Bread mix, one large egg, 2/3 cup of whole milk, one can of creamed corn, one can of sweet corn that has been drained, and a fistful of shredded cheese all mixed together. Then, I throw it all into a well-greased rice cooker, close it, hit the cake button, and wait about an hour for delicious, delicious spoon bread! It’s something to look forward to after work tomorrow.

I also need to figure out my other goals for the next year or so. I know that graduating from college with a 4.0 is a top one on my list. I’ll work on it in the next few weeks. We are still like eighteen days till 2026. I’m not too worried about it.

Anyway! I need to medicate, meditate, and get some rest. This weekend was rough on my brain.

Take your meds, folks!

What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?

I would have to say that the most prominent positive events of the past calendar year would be my choice of myself for my fortieth birthday.