Of Texting and Trials

13,853 Days Alive

The Crisis Hotline was less than helpful today. They hung up on me when I called. But I’m going to assume technical difficulties.

I’m still here. I’m taking my meds, reaching out to talk to people when I’m struggling.

That’s all I’ve got today.

Take your meds, folks.

Prompt Answer: Quote to Live By

Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

In times of strife or stubble, much like I am going through right now, I bring to mind Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata. It is a few years shy of a century old poem, but resonates so strongly with me in so many ways.

One line in particular strikes a chord with me to the point of wanting to get it tattooed onto me:

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

Max Ehrmann, 1927
source: https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

That last line in particular helps me. “You have a right to be here.” I don’t always feel that I do. I don’t often feel like I wish to be here. It’s a daily battle I wage against my own brain gremlins.

I hate that I’m suicidal. It makes me feel like I’m weak or something.

All I can do is keep going.

Prompt Answer: First Thing That Comes To Mind

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

I’m not always glad I am still here. I know it’s probably the brain gremlins talking. I know it. But I am not always glad for the continued struggle, despite the successes I’ve had.

I have my GED. A place to live. A really, really good job. And I have my cat, partner, and a small group of local friends.

I just have to keep going. But fucking hell is it exhausting.