So, it’s been a few days since I’ve done a proper blog post. I’ve been fantastically depressed and not feeling up to pouring myself onto the digital page.
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?
In times of strife or stubble, much like I am going through right now, I bring to mind Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata. It is a few years shy of a century old poem, but resonates so strongly with me in so many ways.
One line in particular strikes a chord with me to the point of wanting to get it tattooed onto me:
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
That last line in particular helps me. “You have a right to be here.” I don’t always feel that I do. I don’t often feel like I wish to be here. It’s a daily battle I wage against my own brain gremlins.
I hate that I’m suicidal. It makes me feel like I’m weak or something.
I spent the day writing for the first time in forever. I hopped on the weekly sprint thing in the 221B Discord that I love and was able to get about 600 words written. I feel accomplished.
Well, my brain gremlins/depression kicked up again. I could barely pull myself from bed today. And ended up needing a nap halfway through the day because I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
I’m not always glad I am still here. I know it’s probably the brain gremlins talking. I know it. But I am not always glad for the continued struggle, despite the successes I’ve had.
I have my GED. A place to live. A really, really good job. And I have my cat, partner, and a small group of local friends.
I just have to keep going. But fucking hell is it exhausting.