Tag: Bipolar 1

Sleep Depo Hell

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

Days alive: no clue.

Hours awake: lost count.

I still have barely slept. I think my total is less than six hours for this week. My hands won’t stop shaking and I’m so tired my chest aches like I’ve gotten into a bar fight and lost-badly.

I feel like the terrible ice cream cone that’s melting faster than anyone can eat it. Like I’m just dissolving into a pile of useless, colorful goo.

img_0568-1It me.

I’m trying to power through. I’m trying to keep going. But I also called my doctor for help because I absolutely can’t continue like this.

Pray for me, and pray that sleep is no longer an evasive bastard.

Edit: typos fixed. I think?

Insomnia Interlude 2

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

Days alive: 12,149.5

Hours awake: 45 and change.

I was hoping to sleep well tonight. Not so, I guess. New med still screwing with my sleep schedule. Maybe I’ll get some rest tomorrow night.

It was a chill, restful evening after a stomach churning levels of stressful day at work. I’m hoping things will get better soon. I keep wildly vacillating between braking into tears and being so bloody manic/upbeat/cheerful I want to strangle myself just to save everyone else from it.

In other news, I found this gorgeous feather outside of work today. I don’t know diddly squat about birds, so I haven’t the foggiest what it could belong to other than “bird”.

Anyway. I’m going to try to sleep at least a little. Or just stare at the inside of my eyelids until my alarm goes off.

New Week, Better Grip

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

Days alive: 12,148

Current number of ebooks: 4,182

Hours slept: about four

Number of lipsticks I own: 81 (estimated. I actually have no idea because I can’t find them all.)

I haven’t been sleeping. So I’ve done a bit of research. I know a little more about my diagnosis. Still not happy about it, but I can’t seem to quite put into words why I am so upset. It’s frustrating because I try to explain that while I understand that life may be a little easier with treatment now that a specific problem/source has been identified, but I still don’t like the diagnosis at all.

Continue reading “New Week, Better Grip” →

Day Three: Lost in the Forest

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

Days alive: 12,144

Hours slept: > 4

Number of Llewelyn Almanacs: 26

Number of ebooks on kindle: 4,182

Number of ebooks on wishlist: 387

My feeling small in the rest of the world.

Still tired today. Still feeling small and maladjusted. Still adjusting to the new meds something fierce. I was told, initially, to take them at night since they might have a soporific effect. And, my delightful brain being as it is, said noperoni and cheese to that idea.

Continue reading “Day Three: Lost in the Forest” →

Down the Rabbit Hole: Day One.

Featured ~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

Days Alive: 12,142.

Pain Number: 4

Hours Slept: 4

Number of unnecessary notebooks purchased today: 1

Chicken nuggets eaten: 19 (I dropped one.)

Days Since Diagnosis: 0

I’m not doing great today. I’m not cheerful. I’m not well rested or ecstatic to be alive.

I got a diagnosis today that I hate. Not cancer. I guess I can be glad about that. And it’s likely the answer to the issues I’ve been having since I have been old enough to know I’ve had problems. Finally having a name possible name for the jabberwocky on my back is an interesting sensation.

Continue reading “Down the Rabbit Hole: Day One.” →