Coming back from the other side of my Bipolar Wonderland through medication, creativity, and moxie.
What’s a job you would like to do for just one day?
A job I’d like to do for just one day, just to fulfill my childhood dream, is be a bartender at a tiny, hole in the wall, nowheresville bar. Just once.
I wanted so badly to be a great server and bartender when I was growing up. My mom worked at TGIFriday’s when I was a kid and somewhere in the world is a picture of little six or seven year old me wearing her uniform shirt like a dress.
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?
In times of strife or stubble, much like I am going through right now, I bring to mind Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata. It is a few years shy of a century old poem, but resonates so strongly with me in so many ways.
One line in particular strikes a chord with me to the point of wanting to get it tattooed onto me:
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
Max Ehrmann, 1927
source: https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html
That last line in particular helps me. “You have a right to be here.” I don’t always feel that I do. I don’t often feel like I wish to be here. It’s a daily battle I wage against my own brain gremlins.
I hate that I’m suicidal. It makes me feel like I’m weak or something.
All I can do is keep going.
Have you ever been camping?
I have been camping, many, many years ago. We went with my stepfather, cousins, and sister, I believe.
I remember fishing. S’mores. And some not so pleasant parts.
I’d like to make new memories camping, or maybe staying in a cabin?
When do you feel most productive?
It depends on when I’ve gotten out of bed, but usually around noon to three or so. Unless I got up at five am so then it’s like 7-10am.
What makes you nervous?
I fucking have anxiety. The list would be shorter were I to list what doesn’t make me anxious.
Cats, crocheting, and books are pretty much the only things that don’t make me anxious.
How do you unwind after a demanding day?
After a long day, I take solace in books and yarn. If I’m not reading, or sometimes even when I am, I crochet to relax.
A demanding day? Almost every day is demanding, so I often have multiple crochet projects going.
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
I’m not always glad I am still here. I know it’s probably the brain gremlins talking. I know it. But I am not always glad for the continued struggle, despite the successes I’ve had.
I have my GED. A place to live. A really, really good job. And I have my cat, partner, and a small group of local friends.
I just have to keep going. But fucking hell is it exhausting.
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
Any time I kick myself face-first out of my comfort zone, I seem to grow from it.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Alive and thriving.
Beyond that, I don’t care so much. Doing better than I am now, being financially stable, being happy with or without a partner would be icing on the cake. But all I really want is to be alive and thriving.
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
Describe something you learned in high school.
Something I learned in high school is that people are by turns amazing and awful. That all of humanity has compassion and selfishness bred into their very core. And that healing isn’t linear at all.
What book could you read over and over again?
If I were stuck with one book to read over and over again, it would be Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy omnibus.
Semantics, but it is a singular volume. Hehe.
What job would you do for free?
If I were to work for free, it would be teaching people to crochet or teaching them to read.
