Somewhat Upsetting Sunday

12,489 Days Alive

5 Medications Picked Up

0 Doses of Lyrica Left

Trigger warning: discussion of suicidal thoughts.

Despite being told otherwise when I dropped the prescription off, Publix Pharmacy will not partially fill my Lyrica while they are doing the prior authorization.

I was going to ask for a few days’ worth, since I took my last dose this morning.

I only have about $150 and the medication is $490. I plan to ask for help. I do. But that I have to, that I couldn’t get by until payday with a partial refill is phenomenally frustrating. $340 is no small amount of money. And I hate, hate, hate to ask for help. So much.

But I fear what I would be like without the Lyrica. I’m afraid of honestly acting on some of my self-harming ideas.

It would be so easy, wouldn’t it? That’s the hard part. Just get some goddamned strawberry ice cream and bam, no more problems, no more me.

Or go to the parking garage at work and just jump off. It would probably be euphoric before I hit the ground.

But I know that’s just the brain gremlins. I know that I will get through this. I hope I will at least. I’m no Robin Williams, but at least a few people would miss me if I was gone.

I guess I should call my wife, ask for help. Fuck knows I don’t know what else to do.