200th Post!

12,296 Days Alive

153 Days since Diagnosis of Bipolar 1

13 Major Life Events

I started this blog on Tuesday, 25th September 2018. It hasn’t been all that long. Well. Maybe it has? 153 days since my diagnosis. That is five months; that is twenty-two weeks as of today. It breaks down to 3670 some-odd hours, 220,350 minutes or so, or about 12,219,700 seconds. Again, give or take.

Numbers, for all that I was told I was a mathematical moron in my youth, make me feel a little better. They give me parameters on which I can focus on. One hundred fifty-three days out of my total twelve thousand, two hundred ninety-six days. Somehow, in those numbers, there is a bit of success for me. I have a name, a reason, a possibility of treatment for some of the things I struggle with.

One hundred fifty-three days. So much has happened:

  • I was diagnosed with type one bipolar disorder. I’m still mad about it. And I still haven’t found a therapist that I jive with, but I am working to do so.
  • I vaguely acknowledged the first anniversary of my stepfather’s death and dealt with the triggering memories of abuse that brought up.
  • I resigned from my old job after two and a half years of literally vomit-inducing stress.
  • I applied, interviewed, and was hired by my amazing current employer. I’ve only thrown up from anxiety three times in the last four months. That’s a new record for me.
  • My Grandpa Howie passed away after seventy-five good years and four not so good ones. The funeral was hot as all hell but the Jewish tradition of literally burying the coffin, or at least covering it with the first layer of dirt per kevura was fantastic for both familial bonding and for honest to Gods closure. I’ve never laughed that much around a gravesite before.
  • My Darling Wife and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I don’t remember exactly what we did, but I’m sure there was a moose kiss involved.
  • Daddy passed away, completely unexpectedly, on 4th December from a heart attack. He was only fifty-eight years old. I flew out to Texas for the funeral. When I spoke at the funeral, I called him a phenomenal, flawed man. It was much harder than I thought it would be.
  • My Darling Wife and I came home to find her cat Ariadne deceased two Tuesdays after my father’s passing. She was only five. I was the one who found her and I still miss her terribly.
  • Because I am a paragon of grace and attention to detail, I managed to tear a tendon in my left foot when I fell down the stairs at work. To my credit, I hadn’t had coffee yet and I was trying to take the stairs down rather than the elevator. And then actually reported the incident when I was in pain and asked for help. I even attended all of the Occupational and Physical Therapy therapy appointments.
  • I have finally managed to get my weight under 300 pounds for over a month! I’ve been trying to balance my eating habits a bit better (she says after eating a pair of McDonald’s hamburgers and fries for lunch), but I still need to do better.
    • Sidebar: There are some fascinating articles and blog posts that have been coming out in regards to obesity, why the public opinion is wrong on obesity, and how the current food system and lack of psychological assistance in curbing chronic overeating have contributed to obesity. There have still been studies that focus on the BMI issue, though it was disproven to be an accurate meter of health and the like. X X X X X X X X
  • In January, My Darling Wife and I moved into our first apartment! We’re still trying to get everything sorted out and find a good dining room set, but our house warming is next month and I am looking forward to it.
  • Tink moved over from Texas last month and moved in with Steph and I. We have a lot of kitchen gadgets now.
  • Two new family members were born!

There were losses and gains, struggles and success, grief and a lot of laughter. A whole lot of manic episodes and some really, really bad lows. I know I need to find a proper therapist and not just a crisis intervention one. I know I need a better/different/stronger medication to help me maintain a little better.

But I have goals, still! And I’ve achieved two of them so far, and made arrangments for another three!

Goals for 2019:

  1. Keep the daily updates for the blog.
    1. I’m doing fairly well on that so far! 199 posts in 153 days! I have been posting at least once a day, every day, since 1st October 2018.
  2. Get down to 250 (50 lbs lost)
    1. So far I’ve gotten about 1/5 of the way there. I’m hovering around 290.
  3. Get Roth IRA to at least $500
    1. I now have auto-transfers set up to get my balance up by the end of the year!
  4. Holiday in June for cruise
    1. I will have a passport appointment as soon as I can afford it.
  5. Go see at least three plays/movies
    1. Tickets to go see Anastasia at the Straz have been purchased!
    2. We received an AMC gift card at the holidays that I plan to put to use!
  6. Sell at least six handmade goods
    1. I have a friend willing to help me facilitate this!
  7. Read at least 200 books
    1. Working on this one, too! I think I’m twelve or thirteen books into my #200Books Reading Challenge
  8. Get the apartment and move in
    1. We got the keys on 4th January and, after a lot of frustration and issues, finally moved in!
  9. Do meal prep and eat out less
    1. We have been having some awesome meals as of late!
  10. Get a desk to write at
    1. I’ll be picking up my old drafting table from J sometime this week!
  11. Finish a story
    1. I’ve written several short stories, but I’m looking to write and finish a full novel this year.
  12. Post at least two fanfics
    1. Still working on this one. Haven’t even written any yet.
  13. Learn how to play piano
    1. Not sure if this one will come to fruition or not, but I would still like it to.
  14. Find a new Physical doctor
    1. Basically returned to an old doctor, but she wasn’t one of the ones that tried to kill me, so it’s an improvement.
  15. Find a Mental doctor
    1. This one is a whole lot harder for me.
  16. Find a Therapist
    1. I literally still have nightmares about doing this but I will work on it.
  17. Get a treadmill
    1. With the space we have available at Villa Vanyar, I doubt this is going to happen.
  18. Buy new glasses
    1. I’ve earmarked a few frames I’d like, but money is proving to be an issue as I can’t afford anything right now.
  19. Go to and help out at least three different charity events through work or independently
    1. This one is still in the plot!
  20. Participate in NaNoWriMo
    1. Gotta hold out to November for this one, but I may try to do Camp NaNoWriMo as well.
  21. Go to a write-in
    1. Again, kind of a NaNoWriMo/Campa NaNoWriMo thing.
  22. Host a yarny night at my place
    1. We don’t currently have enough seating or space to do this, but I’m hoping we get around to it.
  23. Have a housewarming party
    1. Scheduled for mid-March. Woo!
  24. Have my car detailed
    1. Probably around my birthday. She’s an older gal and needs some love.
  25. Get a good pair of work shoes
  26. Get a new tattoo
    1. Funds and time have not yet come available for this. But gods do I want one.

As much as I have achieved in twenty-two weeks, I am still slipping. My depressive episodes have been worse and worse lately. I am fairly certain that if my life insurance policy actually covered suicide within the first calendar year, I would be dead. But it doesn’t. And, with what happened to Daddy, with all that I have to accomplish still, all the goals I’ve set for myself, and all the things I want to do with my Darling Wife and my friends, I am trying not to take a permanent solution to silence bad brain chemistry. It’s not that I want to die, it’s that I want to stop feeling so absolutely wretched.

So I set small, realistic, achievable goals for myself. I can’t afford a therapist right now, fine. I can try the free chat programs or 211 or write until my fingers want to bleed. I have, as of this writing, made an appointment for the 20th of March with the same woman that diagnosed me.

I’m going to just keep going. Meeting goals I can, and readjusting or re-evaluating goals that I struggle with.

Just keep swimming, even when I feel like I’m drowning.

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