Quick recap: for me, May of 2020 is all about self-love. I’m really capable of getting down on myself, so I’m trying to be kinder and embrace a more self-focused positive attitude. Each day, I’ll be working from one of the prompts from Tia Harding’s 32 Self-Love Journal Prompts or from The Petite Planner’s 30 Days of Self-Love.
Here’s today’s prompt: “How would it feel to let go of the negative beliefs about yourself? How can you do that?“
I don’t know if I can let go of all my negative beliefs about myself. Sure, I’d love to be less self-loathing, more self-loving. But I think I’d have to identify a lot of the subconscious stuff I hold on to in order to be able to let it go.
And that’s something I am just not qualified to do, honestly. I need help and that’s one of the reasons I’m going to therapy.
With how…let’s go with “interesting” my childhood was, it was frequently unstable and often tumultuous emotionally for me. And that was before any of the outright abuse started. I hold a lot of anger in my heart for how I was raised and I’m working on that. I acknowledge that the situation was difficult for my parents and they were absolutely incapable of staying together, but a lot of what happened after 1989 stretching all the way to 2009 really shaped me. It was twenty years of drifting, rudderless, and not being able, or allowed, to fully express myself as a child. And now I still have trouble expressing my emotions as an adult.
I found this article, again while doing research for this post, that was all about changing negative self-beliefs. There’s a lot there, but this line, describing part of the process of making positive changes in your self-beliefs, stood out:
Replace your old truths with new ones. Back them up with reasoning, and trust that this is the real truth.Psych Central
So I guess I need to sit down and identify my “old truths”. And I think this is something I should probably work on with my therapist, honestly. But what are some of those “old truths”?
I’ll never be good enough. I’ll always be in pain. I hate how flawed I am. I deserved it.
I don’t know. Maybe this is a bad way to start off my day. Because I logically know those are necessarily true. There are things I’ll fail at, and that’s okay. Pain is relative, I guess, and yeah, I’m always in physical pain, but the flip side is that the medication dulls it from a roar to a twinge, most days. All people are flawed. My favorite flowers are the ones that are flawed or strange. I should apply the same love to myself. No one deserves to be assaulted, not physically, not emotionally, not sexually.
Reframing is something I’m working on. And something I obviously need to keep working on.