Category: Angry

Insomnia Interlude 9

~ Theodora Vanyar

12,256 Days Alive

I wonder how different things would be if I had died.

If, when my playful, and now dead over a year, stepfather tossed me into the deep end and I sunk like the not-swimming rock I was at the time, my mother hadn’t noticed. If she hadn’t dived in, after kicking off shoes, socks, and watch, and pulled me up. She bemoaned for years that I ruined her hearing aid with that “stunt”. As if I had any choice or say in the matter of drowning.

Or, if when I developed pneumonia some time afterward if I hadn’t shaken it.

Or if in one of the car accidents I’ve been in, I wasn’t so fortunate as to be able to walk away.

Or if I had been successful in any of my suicide attempts.

I suppose it would matter as to the when of my death. If I had died in high school, or before? It’s a horrible thought. Like that Christmas movie, I’ve never seen with the angels and bells.

It’s a Wonderful Life. That’s the name of the movie! That’s what it is. I had to Google it. I should watch that.

I know that I have had a least a minor impact on several peoples’ lives. I do. But Gods does it feel like I’m screaming into an echo chamber sometimes.

I’ve survived a lot. I’m sure I’ll be fine in daylight.

Sad, Starry Night

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,247 Days Alive

5,664 Books to Read

208 Books to Read for the 2019 Challenges

10 Nails Wrapped With Stars

1 Sad Memory

Question of the day: what small act of self care do you do when you’re feeling down?

I’m having a rough day, mentally. And physically. Just… sad and tired and run over by my damn menstrual cycle. Give me chocolate, hugs, and a gorram shoulder rub.

It’s been five weeks and I still feel a low-grade twinge of panic, of who died now fear, every time my cell phone rings.

Continue reading “Sad, Starry Night” →

I don’t like Tuesdays anymore

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

We came home from dinner with Nan to find our youngest cat, Ariadne, dead in the middle of the floor. Her eyes were still open. The boys, Spock and Peanut seem to be fine. But now I’m terrified they’ll pass too.

I fell the hell apart. Full crying panic attack.

My father died two Tuesdays prior to today.

I also broke my glasses just now by tripping and stepping on them.

I’m kind of over December.

Have some pictures of our tiny kitten, Ariadne. May she Rest In Peace.