12,247 Days Alive
5,664 Books to Read
208 Books to Read for the 2019 Challenges
10 Nails Wrapped With Stars
1 Sad Memory
Question of the day: what small act of self care do you do when you’re feeling down?
I’m having a rough day, mentally. And physically. Just… sad and tired and run over by my damn menstrual cycle. Give me chocolate, hugs, and a gorram shoulder rub.
It’s been five weeks and I still feel a low-grade twinge of panic, of who died now fear, every time my cell phone rings.
My father has been dead for five weeks as of today. I’m not certain I am actually handling it well. Or at all, really. I don’t know what I should be feeling. Other than anger.
I feel cheated. I’m so damn angry and I absolutely feel cheated. We lost so many damn years together because of the decisions of my mother and Daddy both. (Mom, if you have commentary about this, as I am sure you do, this is not the forum for it. Write me a letter or email.)
Anyway. I can only dredge up a scant dozen times or so that I saw him in the 90s. Even less after that, when I was in high school, because of our transient nature and his lack of my being a priority. He knew I was living in homeless shelters with my mother and brothers. But chose his own path, chose himself. I can, go a point, understand that. To a very fine point.
But that’s for another day, I think. I was more focused on the loss of potential when I started this post. There were so many moments we were supposed to get to have together. I mean, he owed me a mini golf game for over a decade now.
Another one of those moments was our plan to go to a planetarium together.
I really do feel robbed. Angry. I know that every human has their flaws, but the older I get, the more I realize exactly how flawed and selfish some can be.
Don’t get me wrong: I love Daddy. I’m angry with him, and frustrated beyond belief at his life choices and the loss of ability to ever spend time with him again. But he is far from the knight of the old code I thought he was as a child.
So, as I do when upset, emotional, or overwrought: I’m going to read.
Take your meds, folks.
