Christmas Day 2018

12,233 Days Alive

3 Weeks Since Daddy’s Passing

2nd Christmas Since We Got Married

1 Massive Panic Attack

I didn’t sleep well last night. Nightmares aplenty. Of illness and heart failure. Of late night calls and of the funeral.

I wasn’t in a very merry mood this morning.

I dreamt all those I’ve lost over the years feasted with me. But I was the one forgotten and unseen at the table.

And then I dreamed I made everyone ill with the food I made.

Other nightmares rattled the night time hours. Of broken trust and bruises far deeper than skin.

Steph and I did gifts last night. It was lovely. She got me the most stunning watch, and a small loom among other things. She liked the gifts I got for her as well.

I need to find a better mental health doctor. I’m… I’m not doing well.

I had a panic attack from the nightmares, another while cooking. Nothing went right, everything was backwards, people kept bloody touching me l and I fell apart.

I miss Daddy. I’m still angry and sad and so many other emotions.

I don’t know if I’m pushing myself too hard this holiday season. It’s been a week since we found Ariadne deceased and I’m still paranoid about coming home and one of the boys being dead.

I’m tired of being exhausted. I’m tired of being me.

I got tea from Nan. And a bunch of sugar I’ll foist off on others. And the Christmas PJ tradition was carried on by Myrna, my mother in law. That made me happy.

But change is coming. Perhaps tomorrow. Change is coming. Things will get better.

No matter how empty the words at the moment, I will keep saying them. I wi find positive change. I will make positive change. Because the alternative is literally to not exist. And I have too many goddamned thing left to do.

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