Daylight and Desiderata

Days alive: 12,153

Hours slept: 7.5

Bathing suits worn: 1

Calories in my iced coffee: 73

I don’t feel all the way human as of just yet. My bones still ache and I’m still rather mentally stuck in fast forward. But it’s better than it has been. It’s better and I am glad.

My mind is quieter. My hydroxyzine is actually helping with my anxiety again. And as the Abilify fades, I’m sure I will level out a bit more. I’m no longer fighting the urge to scrub everything clean, to fight the fucking air in my lung, to cry at the drop of a hat. Literally, I almost burst into tears on Thursday night when a hat wouldn’t stay hung up.

I can’t help but be disappointed that the Abilify was such as colossal and immediate failure. Even knowing it can take multiple attempts to find the right balance of medications to manage the symptoms of conditions like mine. Even knowing that what might work for now might not work forever because brain chemistry is a tricky damn thing. Even knowing it’s not a cure.

But all I can do is carry on.

At least today is a fun day off? The migraine I had is little more than a shadow headache that some ibuprofen and a cup of coffee can help with to kick to the curb. And I feel cute today, too. Some 16 hour lipstick and a family trip to Blizzard Beach will be fun.

We’re going to celebrate my mother in law’s birthday (the one who finally knows my Darling Wife and I are married almost a year after the fact since she didn’t show up to the license signing, but that’s another story) with a bunch of my Darling Stephanie’s family. It’ll be fun, but I doubt I’ll have many photos as water park + cell phone = bad times since I haven’t a waterproof case. So here’s a blinded-by-sunlight selfie beforehand.

Let’s hope the high SPF sunblock we use keeps my Darling Wife and I from being sunburnt to a lobster red.

I have my next appointment with Dr. B for meds on the 10th, so that isn’t that far off. And I have a therapy appointment that same day. So! Help is on its way. I just have to make it there.

It was so, so, so very hard to reach out. Dear god. It was a damn mental war. I had to call twice, and I had a panic attack after both times. The Brian gremlins were telling me what a whiner I was being, how weak, how flawed, and what a bother it was to leave not one but TWO messages. But guess what? Brain gremlins are LYING LIARS. Dr B and her staff are literally paid to help me and people like me that come to them for care. So I knuckles down and called. Because I am not paying almost a hundred dollars a damn visit to not be able to reach out when I need help.

J, if you’re reading this, please know that you and Steph have been absolutely amazing during this last fortnight of flux for me. And I love you both for your support. Amy and Chele, you both too. ❤️

In any case, I just have to remember that line from one of my favorite poems by Max Ehrmann: “You are a child of the universe; no less than the trees and stars; you have a right to be here.” Because I do.

I’m gonna go have an awesome day, and hopefully get some laundry done this evening (broken washer and finicky dryer make this interesting).

Ciao for now.

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