Sorting Through

Days Alive: 12,221

Rooms Cleared: 1

Old Belongings Found: a bunch

Days Left in Austin: 2.5

Nails Chipped: 7 lol

Streak on Duolingo: 23 days

Loads of Laundry Done: 2

My body is currently in protest for all the damn things Tink and I accomplished today. And I nearly broke down crying in the bookstore because that was the first time I have gone to a Half Priced Books store without my father or without calling him to check for which books he was hunting for.

Somehow, the confirmation of the not-so-new revelation of his potential to not be my birth father hasn’t shaken my grief.

My voice still broke when I spoke at the funeral. I called him a phenomenally flawed man, compassionate, and one whose gift was words and storytelling. I think. This is what I was told because I was shaking so badly, and could barely look away from his corpse, and I don’t really remember.

I fell apart when they mentioned his being with Valarie, my sister who died in ’86. Fucking lost it.

I remember telling Tink how angry I was. How so fucking angry I still am. And admitting I don’t think our loss was fair. How we needed more time, wanted more time with him.

I can’t imagine her grief. They loved each other and I wish they had the chance to at least be handfasted before he passed.

We went out after the funeral with some of the guys from the company, and Uncle Doug and Aunt Marie. As a side bar, I can’t believe how pretty she is!! She was so kind, so sweet. Ran interference for us at the funeral when Tink and I stepped away to fall apart.

I hope good things come from this loss. I hope all those that grieve for him can eventually let go of their sorrow, myself included, and cherish the fond memories, stories, and crazy shenanigans that he was legendary for perpetrating.

I’m coloring now and watching som stupid ghost show. Laundry is in the dryer, meds are taken, and my streak on Duolingo continues.

I’m going to go take another muscle relaxer because my back is screaming an aria of agony for all the heavy lifting and bending and twisting I did today.


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