12,555 Days Alive
2 Years Married
1 Moved Desk
Today is my second wedding anniversary to my Darling Wife. I wish I could say that I was able to afford to do something nice, but I could not. Best I did tonight was sweep the floor.
I’m having a really terrible brain day. I was so glad to be home last night and then I couldn’t get to sleep. And then I couldn’t stay asleep. It was frustrating to say the least.
And then, at work today, it was total chaos. I moved to Mary’s desk, Mary moved to Kandy’s desk, Kandy moved to the file clerk Stephany’s desk, and Maria got moved and some liability gal whose name I haven’t learned got Maria’s desk. It was a confusing and very stressful, unproductive, chaotic few hours. And bonus shenanigans, my new desk sucks except for the plant it has growing on it. I kept bashing my knee into the drawer, and the desk is made for a very right handed person. Whereas my old desk is made for a left handed person, which I am. It makes me feel claustrophobic as hell, too. But at least I’m near Marcia. She’s a cool old broad. But yeah, I wanted to break down crying at several points during the day today.
I’m not doing too good. The lack of mental health support at work is literally driving me crazy. I’m hoping to find a new job with better health insurance or at least non-privatized stupid healthcare that barely covers anything.
I have really bad anxiety. I have really bad self esteem. I have apparently terrible depression that can make me difficult to be around. I’m so afraid that all of this is straining my relationships with my loved ones.
I’m so afraid I’m going to end up losing everything.
I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m nauseous. Constantly. And I don’t know how to fix it. My brain isn’t wired right. And I’m terrified that my differences are going to break my world apart.
I’m going to keep doing my best to get by, to look for a new job. I’m going to keep going and hope for the best. I’m going to continue to ignore the ugly creeping voice that always assures me that my life is worth more dead than alive. I’m going to continue to ignore the voice that says people don’t want me around.
I’m gonna keep going. That’s all I can do.