Category: Suicidal

Weekend Worries

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,220 Days Alive

7,169 Books To Read

5,375 Steps Taken Today

So, I’m kind of in emotional shutdown right now. Hiatus from actual feeling.

There’s just the over my head overwhelmed exhausted bullshit.

I just have to keep going.

Dream, Down, Delightful Downpours, and Dear Friends

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,303 Days Alive

6,619 Books to Read

14 Days Till My Psych Appointment

13 Weeks Since Daddy Died

12 Books Read So Far This Year

6 Days Since I’ve Touched a Book

1 Gifted Pizza

I need to get back into the swing of reading. I’m kind of completely lacking as of late. Just haven’t… even in the midst of mania can’t be bothered.

Continue reading “Dream, Down, Delightful Downpours, and Dear Friends” →

Still Here on a Monday

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,302 Days Alive

6,602 Books to Read

16 Days Till My Psych Appointment

9 Days Since I Last Slept Through the Night

3 Bars of Royalty Soap Bars That I Want (But can’t justify literally $30 for three bars of soap when I am this broke)

1 Living Room Vacuumed

1/2 Basket of Clothing Put Away

I am mentally and emotionally burned out. I keep going because I have goals set and I literally don’t know what else to do. But I feel like I’m on autopilot.

Continue reading “Still Here on a Monday” →

Insomnia Interlude 9

~ Theodora Vanyar

12,256 Days Alive

I wonder how different things would be if I had died.

If, when my playful, and now dead over a year, stepfather tossed me into the deep end and I sunk like the not-swimming rock I was at the time, my mother hadn’t noticed. If she hadn’t dived in, after kicking off shoes, socks, and watch, and pulled me up. She bemoaned for years that I ruined her hearing aid with that “stunt”. As if I had any choice or say in the matter of drowning.

Or, if when I developed pneumonia some time afterward if I hadn’t shaken it.

Or if in one of the car accidents I’ve been in, I wasn’t so fortunate as to be able to walk away.

Or if I had been successful in any of my suicide attempts.

I suppose it would matter as to the when of my death. If I had died in high school, or before? It’s a horrible thought. Like that Christmas movie, I’ve never seen with the angels and bells.

It’s a Wonderful Life. That’s the name of the movie! That’s what it is. I had to Google it. I should watch that.

I know that I have had a least a minor impact on several peoples’ lives. I do. But Gods does it feel like I’m screaming into an echo chamber sometimes.

I’ve survived a lot. I’m sure I’ll be fine in daylight.