12,303 Days Alive
6,619 Books to Read
14 Days Till My Psych Appointment
13 Weeks Since Daddy Died
12 Books Read So Far This Year
6 Days Since I’ve Touched a Book
1 Gifted Pizza
I need to get back into the swing of reading. I’m kind of completely lacking as of late. Just haven’t… even in the midst of mania can’t be bothered.
Great weather today. Blustery and rainy. Everyone at work seemed dragged down by it, even Belle and (newly returned from her honeymoon) Sara! I thought it lovely weather. And it’s supposed to be chilly tomorrow, which is lovely.
I am exhausted though. And sad. I was fighting the whole day not to be sad. It didn’t work well. But I damn well did try!
I want to accomplish more things. But I also want to stop eating until I stop hating what I see in the mirror. Even though I logically know down that path lies a quick and twisted road towards terrible things.
I just feel… lonely. Isolated. Like I don’t matter or that I endlessly bother my loved ones and dear ones with the endless parade of fuckup that is me.
A dear friend gifted me dinner tonight. Pizza and a tiny, sprinkle bedecked bunt cake that made me smile when I saw it. It helped, just a bit, ease the bands around my chest so I could take a breath.
Only two weeks till my psychiatrist appointment. And maybe I can find a good counselor between now and then. One that helps me feel a little less like I would be better as a jar of ashes someone has mislaid in an attic.