12,257 Days Alive
5,831 Books to Read
16 Days Not Okay
3 Plans Made for Next Week
1 Book Finished Today
We just finished playing Stupid Deaths, a game Bill6 and J brought over.
And the game? It is is more than slightly ironic considering my current mental state. My Darling Wife won with the Grim Reaper close behind.
Now we’re on to Scoundrel Society.
I’m not great at turn based/action based card games, but I am trying so hard to be sociable and engage with everyone.
It is quite… difficult. But I still want to try. Even if it is exhausting in its own way.
Dinner was a miserable $60 spent. Stephanie liked hers, but mine was not enjoyable. The mushrooms were slimy, the soup terrible, my fries were soggy and poorly made, and my chicken was passable.
Steph picked up some treats in the form of caffeinated beverages.
Even after a fun, enjoyable dinner with dear ones, I still feel awful. Like I would be more useful dead, burned to a cinder, and turned into a paperweight.
I almost feel like I need to start keeping a little plant or something in my car. Intrusive thoughts are a really big problem for me. But I would feel bad for the plant if I hurt it by getting into a car accident. Coping mechanisms. I’m trying.
But I try really hard to get home safely every day, and to work as well.
I just don’t see the worth right now in my continued existence except as a cog to continue making money for bills and to pay for cat food.
I mean, it feels like half the reason I’m still here right now is the lesson Daddy’s death taught me last month: have a damn plan in place. The other half is many small parts of a whole. Knowing this is probably just a long lasting slump.
That my wife, my friends, my cats probably like me and want me around when I’m not a useless, annoying, clingy wreck of a human. Well, Spock likes me even when I am an annoying clingy wreck of a human, so long as I don’t try to hug him.
I have plans for the next several days. So I’m not planning on going anywhere. I’m still here.
Take your meds.