Intrusive Thoughts this Evening

Days alive: 12,171

Days till NaNoWriMo: 7 and counting!

Meals forgotten: 1

Meals provided by a friend: 1

Cats currently perched on my bum: 1 (Ariadne, the personal space invader extraordinaire!)

Time I plan to leave for work tomorrow: 6am

I am really struggling this evening.

I’m having one of those bad brain gremlin days where I don’t understand why anyone, anyone would want to be friends with me. Why they would want to spend time with me. Why they would want to even speak to me.

I forgot lunch, had trouble with a double charge, so now I have $0.15 to my name until I get paid. A coworker/work friend gave me a spare can of spaghettio and meatball and I swear I almost cried.

I just feel like a burden. Like this toxic waste of space that shouldn’t bother everyone with my problems, with my forgetfulness, with my struggles. It’s not so much screaming into the void, but feeling like I started screaming in the atrium of a massive library where people are cramming for finals at the eleventh hour. I feel like I’m intruding by existing. Like I am not wanted, needed, or desired to be around.

I know it’s probably not true. I’m probably not as annoying as I think I am. And if I am, that is likely how I’ve lost many friends over the years.

Maybe it’s just seasonal change blues or some other such shit. I don’t know.

I’m going to bed.

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