Insomnia Interlude 6

Days alive: 12,192

Hours slept: not enough

I am awake again. We went to bed a little after 9pm. And for the third night in a row, here I am awake. Aware. Staring at the damned ceiling wishing I was asleep.

I should know better than to expect restful nights when I’m menstruating. The pain, the bloating, the absolute agony of the stupid endometrial polyp that twists like a blade in my pelvic area. I stood up today at work and nearly fell down it hurt so badly. I hate the betrayal of my body.

Maybe the new insurance won’t want six grand out of pocket to cover the costs. Maybe I’ll be able to afford the breast reduction and stop loathing my reflection with every glance. Maybe I’ll find some work trousers that actually fit well and don’t make me feel like a boat sail flapping in the breeze.

I know it will get better. I have J at the new adventure. May even have insurance soon.

But gods, I wish the pain stopped sometimes. Like… every step still hurts. My back spasms. I’m not that old, but there are days where I am still as a corpse in full rigor. I’m tired of agony. But I know this is just another low.

I just have to keep going.

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