Relative Disquiet

Days alive: 12,191

Words Written for NaNoWriMo: 0

Words Left to Write: still 32,956

Rows Left in Shawl Main Segment: 17

I should be working on my NaNovel right now. But hell if I can get my brain to focus.

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But I hit a stall point. Or maybe just my brain is bored of playing in the lives of people that only live within my head. There is a thousand other things I could be doing right now, but I’m not.

I’m fiddling around on WordPress and social media, wasting time to try and give my poor brain a break. Maybe I could read for a bit? Gods knows I have enough books to read.

I think I should go meditate or something. Find some relative silence in the screaming of my mind. It will never be truly silent. Not between the brain gremlins, tinnitus, and just the general area of where I live. But relative quiet might be nice.

Work is going well. My coworkers and boss are a damn gift. I haven’t thrown up from anxiety in almost two week. It’s beautiful. Sera is amazing. I gave her a gift today; a rosary I’d made and carried with me for a while. And Belle, she really is just a pistol. I’m sad she’s retiring next year, but I hope to learn all I can from her in the meanwhile.

Mentally, obviously, I’m struggling. I’ve taken to coloring again. I don’t have the heart to drawn right now, but adding color to someone else’s I’m able to use to relax. Some of the books I have with me at work are the same ones my Darling Wife delivered to me when I was Baker Acted.

It’s strange to think that time of absolute low was not much more than a year ago. I’m… trying to be better.

Totally quoting Desiderata again here, because I have a total emotional fixation on Max Ehrmann’s poem:

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

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