13,875 Days Alive
5 Good Friends
1 Amazing Birthday Cake
Trigger warning: death.
I feel like a bad daughter because I spent the day having fun with my nearest and dearest friends. Why? Why guilty? My mother died this morning.
She lived 22,141 days. I feel… a lot. Relieved. Conflicted. Sad for my siblings that lived with her. They’re devastated. I take a modicum of comfort in that she didn’t die alone. Pin and Sean Michael were with her.
I have all this compassion for other people. But she was one of my abusers. One of the main ones. And I feel… bad that I don’t feel more. She’s my mother, for fuck’s sake. I should feel something other than relief, shouldn’t I??
Everyone is offering their condolences. “May her memory be a blessing.” “I’m sorry for your loss.” I’m not.
I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore. I’m glad I’m… free? My biological father called me this morning. He was the one that told me. Sean Michael’s call I missed, but I called him back after.
Today was just… wonderful. Despite dealing with her passing and the literal hundreds of messages and dozens of phone calls regarding it, I had a good day.
Mellon and I went to J and Beau’s after a rather mediocre complimentary hotel breakfast. We played M:TG, and then went in search of boba milk tea and lunch. Lunch was gyros. So good! Burnt falafel though, which disappointed me.
Then we went back to their place and played games with my old friends, Jason and Britt. Several games.
We watched Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles as Mel Brooks movies are audio/visual comfort blankets for me. Mel Brooks and I share a birthday, a few decades apart.
I’m glad I was here when it happened. I’m glad it doesn’t fall on me to deal with the arrangements of her post-demise.
I’m going to appease the Duolingo owl and get some sleep.
Take your meds, folks.
Postmark Wonderland 