Of Blankets and Bumbling

14,141 Days Alive

140 Damage Done to a Bad Guy in Pathfinder 2e

37 Repeats Completed on Bernadette’s Blanket

1 Meal Eaten Today

I woke up around five am this morning and just doom scrolled on my phone for an hour and a half before falling back asleep.

I didn’t do much of anything this morning but crochet. I’m going to try and get some cleaning done tomorrow, but today was just recover from a hellacious week at work.

I am phenomenally depressed. I’m going through the motions of being a functional human being. I’m in so much pain from my cycle and it is so hard to not just… I don’t even know. I’m careful not to get behind the wheel or let myself do anything permanent while I’m in this state. But fuck is it hard.

I hate feeling like this. I met a pair of amazing queer, witchy, nerdy ladies yesterday and I should be riding the high of finding new friends in this area. They’re really cool, and eerily similar to me, though one is older and one is younger than me. Basically, I spotted a pentacle identical to one I listed after back in high school and complimented the lady wearing it. We ended up falling into conversation and walking over to Barnes and Noble together. It was fantastic and we’ve got plans to eventually get together again.

Mellon and I went to a Korean BBQ and hot pot restaurant last night called KPot. The hot pot was just… soup? But not bad. It was good. The BBQ at table was stellar. I want to go again as soon as financially feasible.

But the gods only knows when that will be. I don’t know how I’m going to afford groceries this week. I don’t know if I can get up the funds to get a plane ticket for July before last minute. I’m just… despondent. Hopeless. Hate myself and feel like a failure.

All I want is a job that doesn’t stress me out to the point of crying on my lunch break that lets me pay all my bills on time. Why is that so much to ask?

Sigh.

I’m suicidal. More than usual. But it’s probably just the hormonal imbalance from being on my menstrual cycle on top of my regular brain gremlins fuckery. It’s whatever. I’m not planning anything. I still have the same farewell/apology note written that I’ve had since 1998, obviously tweaked a bit here and there as I’ve aged.

I’m glad I’m not driving tonight. I have too much to do to commit suicide, but fuck am I just so damn tired of struggling.

Oh well. I’m still here. That’s all I’ve got at the end of the day.

Take your meds, folks.