A Down Day in Brain Land

Days alive: 12,172

Months since diagnosis as Bipolar 1: 1

Crochet projects started: 1

Outstanding unfinished projects: at least 6

Days till NaNoWriMo: 6 and counting!

Siblings spoken to today: 3

I’m having a terrible brain day.

My brain is a lying liar that lies.

I know it lies.

My mind tells me that I would be less inconvenient dead, that I’m not needed, that I wouldn’t be tired if it was dead. It screams that death, it’s not really any less permanent than the bullshit pain I’m in. I keep hearing that I will never not be in pain and if I want it to end, I just need to not be a coward. And that when I do, people will be able to move on quickly and I’ll just end up in a burnt to a crisp and forgotten in a tiny box on someone’s shelf while everyone I know and love forgets me and my presence in their life with ease.

It’s an ongoing storm raging in my subconscious.

My mind lies.

It’s a radio that plays the same song on static filled refrain and never stops. Some days it’s relatively quiet.

Today, it is all I can hear.

I’ve been listening to rain sounds to try and drown it out. Tried to keep smiling, keep going. And I reached out to some of my support system and let them know I was struggling. Even if my mind was screaming that they didn’t want to hear it, that I was being a burden.

This storm shall pass. I just have to keep going.