Sleep, Shopping, and Some Spirits!

12,215 Days Alive

6,754 Books To Read

14 Days Until I Meet Baby Bubble

4 Books I Need to Remember to Review

3 Frog and Restart Sessions

1 Entire Digorno Pizza Consumed

I officially said my final fair well to carbohydrate consumption in great amounts today. I start the ketogenic diet fully in the morning. Why?

Because I know I can do it. I want to do it. And for fuck’s sake, I am tired of being fat.

***Trigger warning for content: I am going to discuss my being a rape survivor in this entry.***

Before I delve into the food bit, let me get the more positive down so I don’t forget to acknowledge it.

The housewarming was awesome. I have such a humanity hang over today. I had to go grocery shopping and absolutely did not want to people. So, I used ye olde ignore everyone trick when I hit the local Mart of Wal and Publix.

I’ve been crocheting for most of the day today, watching some ghost show on Netflix. Requiem? It’s pretty good. False started a few times on the first row and ended up frogging the damn blanket three times already. But I have it down now, I think. A solid plan at the very least. Heh.

And, because I’m extra and I would like something I made to actually be used for years to come, among a host of other reasons, I am making Baby Bubble a personal variant on the Lion’s Brand Tree of Life Blanket. The crochet pattern is available for free on their website.

It will be very pretty! And I may do a border that lets me crochet silver leaves and vine work onto it. But I have to pump up my crocheting skills because I have thirteen days until I meet the tiny human for the first time. Maybe it will be a first birthday gift instead. Lol.

Now the ! Backtracking to the lifestyle change.

I’ll never be skinny. I never have been. I’ve always been awkwardly proportioned, too small too broad a broad or whatever. I gained weight mostly on purpose. Ma, Ophelia, any of my siblings, I heartily encourage you to stop reading now.

Again. Stop. Reading.

So: here the rip off the band aid moment. I was sexually abused multiple times in my life. At the age of five, it was a family friend. I didn’t fully grasp what happened at the time, but it is at least one source of my insomnia. There have been, unfortunately, multiple upon multiple instances since then. One of which was prolonged, systemic abuse, emotional, mental, physical, and sexual at the hands of my now-deceased stepfather. I suffer from PTSD because of it.

The sexual abuse stopped when I was fifteen and my mother shipped me down to Florida ahead of her and my brothers. I saw him maybe three times after that point. We never really interacted again before his death on 23rd October 2017. Sidebar: I’m sure he is missed by his loved ones and I pray that those that do feel sorrow for his passing find peace. Anyway; between being homeless/couch surfing/shelters/transient nature of my life for the next decade and a half, a poor choice of coping mechanism in food and alcohol, my own body betraying me and my undiagnosed fibromyalgia, PCOS, my mental trauma and anxiety, and just plain not wanting to be perceived as attractive by anyone, I put on weight. To be fair, there is a massive genetic predisposition to my weight as well. That is true. But for the longest time, I didn’t want anyone to even remotely perceive me as a sexual object.

It failed, horrifically. And so I found myself at age 29. I weighed 374 pounds, was in constant pain, and hated mirrors with no visible path back to what I thought I should look like.

Now, I’m shy of 33, just barely under 300 pounds, and I want to lose half of myself as safely as possible. Goal size is a 14/16 and anything under 170 would be acceptable, though hitting and maintaining 150 would be amazing to me.

So I start full, carb limited keto tomorrow.

Wish me luck, healing, and enough to deal with the dam psychologist on Wednesday. I can’t stress eat tacos, but I can totally make up some taco seasoned low carb meat-replacement and homemade salt and lime low-carb tortilla chips and have adult nachos for dinner!

Ma, if you read this anyway, this will be the thirteenth time you’ve found out about it. In case you’ve forgotten in self defense. No, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to talk about it with my counselor and you should talk about it with yours.

If you or anyone you know is a sexual assault survivor, please know there is help out there.

If you’re in the USA, there is the National Sexual Assault Hotline. It is available at: 1-800-656-4673 twenty four hours a day and seven days a week.

If you need help finding resources in your area, your local search engine is your best bet. And I am available at TheodoraVanyar@gmail.com if you want to chat.

Take your meds, folks. And keep going. Let your revenge be your success. You are worth more to the world than you know.

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