Bittersweet Endings

12,404 Days Alive

Today was my last day at the University. It was bittersweet as hell. My coworkers threw me a little going away party and I, thank my not waterproof eyeliner, did not cry!

They gave me some amazing owl-themed gifts, including the coolest owl bag and a bracelet with a barn owl charm on it!

There were puns and awkward compliments and some absolutely lovely things said about me that made me want to crawl under the table and hide like a five year old at a wedding. I struggled with the worst feeling of imposter syndrome all day.

I felt like I somehow duped these people into thinking I am this awesome person and I can’t see the same person in the mirror that they see.

When I told DW that I had somehow tricked these lovely people into thinking I’m some ray of sunshine, he had the most hilarious answer: “You are a ray of sunshine. Just because sunshine is bright, essential for cheery scenery, and warm, does not make it any less sunburny, cancer causing, deaths ray-y, and scorching blasts of space nuclear explosion.” It made me feel better.

Apparently I don’t come across nearly as sarcastic or fatalistic as I think I am? That’s a good thing I suppose, but it fucks with my world view something fierce.

Gods I want a drink. This is a night I know drinking is a bad idea. I’m not in the right headspace, and I feel like I need a drink, which doubly says it is a bad idea.

I struggled very badly today with intrusive suicidal thoughts. And I couldn’t tell you why exactly. It was a good, moderately stressful day.

Maybe I’m just not used to being sad to leave a job. Gods knows I practically skipped out of Choice when I left.

I dunno. I’m going to go fiddle about on a story.

Take your meds, folks. And tell me what you do when you’re feeling off kilter.

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