13,994 Days Alive
It’s been a bit since I’ve done an actual blog post.
I’ve… not been okay.
Mentally, I’m alive but not happy about it. But death and depression have been nipping at my heels this week. Another loved one died of heart attack. Third person in my life since June to die.
It’s hard to keep going sometimes. It really is.
I feel phenomenally flawed and useless and stupid. I know it’s brain gremlins, and that people do want me around, probably. But it’s still a near-Herculean effort to make the synapses fire in a forward motion.
Seriously. Like, getting out of bed this morning was just… agony. My body hurts, my brain wants me dead, and emotionally, I’m just going through the motions of existing.
I just don’t want to be alive. It’s not necessarily that I actively want to die. I just don’t want to be.
I’m trying to keep going. I have plans that I can’t break in December, so I have to keep slogging through daily life until at least then. And by then, hopefully, I’ll either be out of this suicidal-depressive funk or have a new goal to keep working towards.
In good news, NaNoWriMo is in ten days and about an hour. I have five short stories I’m going to be writing for that, queer urban fantasy sort of thing.
Anyway, I’m off to knit some more and finish out the combat at Pathfinder.
Take your meds, folks.
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