Disappointment, Disturbed Dreams, and Decaf

Days Alive: 12,165

Hours slept: 4.5

Hours awake: 7 and counting.

Ebooks to read: 4,289 and counting

I’ve been awake since five, and woke up initially at two am. It’s been a fight to sleep lately. It’s been a fight to exist in general lately.

I’m still exceedingly disappointed that the Abilify didn’t do anything to help. Well, didn’t do anything but slingshot me into a week and a half of mania where I slept a handful of hours in nine days. I want a med balance that makes me functional. But I know it takes time to find the right fit. The Lexapro still is not doing a damn thing, either. But my primary care is on maternity leave, and barely listened the last time I saw her because of her pregnancy brain.

I need to make that reschedule appointment for Dr. B and the therapy. I really want to, but it is so damn expensive. It’s so stressful to be perpetually ill mentally and physically. It costs me around $350 for medications currently. And then another $130 for the therapy and psychology appointments a month, not counting the gorram medication costs of whatever they prescribe me. And the cost of regular doctor visits. It is literally an entire paycheck is taken up by cost of medications, doctor’s visits, and the transport cost to get to them. Ugh.

If I can get my blood sugars under better control, it will be much better and easier to manage. I weighed myself today and wanted to just crumble and cry. 311 pounds. I am 141 pounds from my goal weight of 170. I basically need to lose half of myself. I feel lost as hell.

Between my sleepless spells last night, I had a dream that I was in a house that these three people were trying to break into. I’m not sure why, but these three barely acclimated Soviet spies were trying to take over my home. They broke in successfully, and I was prepared to put up a fight. While trying to call the police. But they were all ill. None of them had eaten in recent memory. And one was so weak he was barely conscious. So I fed them. They helped fix up parts of the house that I had trouble with. The police broke the front door and I helped them escape out the back door while the police were literally breaking the porch to try and “save” me from these people. I’m sure there’s a metaphor there, but I can’t see it just yet.

Oh Wonder’s “All We Do” seems to be my mental theme song today. It has a lovely melody to start, but is sad, slow, and resonates with my frustrations:

I’ve been upside down

I don’t wanna be the right way round

Can’t find paradise on the ground

I’ve been upside down

I don’t wanna be the right way round

Can’t find paradise on the ground

All we do is hide away

All we do is, all we do is hide away

All we do is chase the day

All we do is, all we do is chase the day

All I did was fail today

All I wanna be is whites in waves

All I did was fail today

All we do, all we do…

My ulcers have been kicking up again. Stress is no doubt to blame, but it means I cannot take caffeine pills or drink coffee. Tea, and decaf at that, will kill some of my productivity, but it’s better than spending more than a total hour of my day in the work bathroom vomiting from stress and pain. I just hope I don’t end up with a caffeine withdrawal migraine. Because those suck rocks.

Haven’t started reading any of the ebooks I checked out from the library. I grabbed A Wrinkle in Time because I’m not certain I’ve ever actually read it. Perhaps it was read to me, once upon a time? But it was on the mental list of things to read. I haven’t hit five thousand ebooks yet, but if I was able to buy the ones on my wishlist, I think I would.

Oh! And I found books of Max Ehrmann’s poetry on ebook! The library didn’t have it, but dear old Amazon did.

At least today is Thursday and that means hitting the tea house Kaleisia’s after work. So that’s something to look forward to at the end of the day.

I’m so tired. Maybe I’ll get some sleep tonight.

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