Thoughtful Thursday

12,375 Days Alive

7,784 Books to Read

2,752 Steps for the Day

I am a little overwhelmed and burnt out today. I feel like there’s so much going on in my mind that I just need to be quiet outwardly.

I am struggling with work stress. With the fact that I can’t realistically afford to keep this job, as much as I love it. I’ll go into debt from the gas money for my commute alone.

It’s devastating to me. I wanted this job so badly. But the raise maximum is below five percent and that doesn’t cover the tripled commute both ways. I thought it would be fine. But I was so catastrophically wrong.

I’m behind schedule on a lot of things. Maybe I won’t make my reading goal this year.

Hell, right now it feels like I won’t make it through the month.

I wish I could do something sweet for my Darling Wife, but everything I want to do is cost prohibitive. I’d love to pay for an oil change or for a set of tires for her. But I also need to get my car serviced. And pay student loans. And go to doctor appointments. And pay for medication. And pay for gas.

Literally, most of my major life problems right now could be solved by about three grand.

The tooth rotting in my head could be removed. I could get my car serviced. I could build my savings up and stop living paycheck to paycheck.

All I can do is keep writing and hope to finish a working draft of a novel or some short stories and blast them out in an attempt to get published.

I just have to keep going. I’m trying to adopt a “this too shall pass” sort of mentality. But hell is it hard.

I have multiple friends that have stepped away from me lately. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or what I’m doing that is causing it, but it is yet another stressor in my life.

I have supportive people, but it kind of feels like I’m a tree and someone is hacking at my limbs with a rusty chainsaw.

And then there’s this whole howling loneliness where I don’t feel that I’m wanted around or that I’m underfoot. I’m still trying to find a therapist to talk to about this and other things, but time and funds are working against me.

I’m burnt out. But I have Sunday and Monday off. So maybe I can recoup a bit of myself then.

Take your meds, folks.

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