Goals and Struggles

12,659 Days Alive

5 Goals Achieved So Far

1 Tired Self

I may have overdone it a little this weekend. Stayed up too late, didn’t hydrate enough, but I regret absolutely nothing.

Saturday was fun, though busy. Up early for some adulting with Steph, then Game. The real treat this weekend was Sunday with Reffie.

With the help of many people, I have achieved a quarter of my goals for the year already!

Thanks to Reffie, I can officially cross these off the list:

  • Go to the new Chihuly Museum
  • Go to the Dali Museum

Thanks to Linna and Cousin Kay I can cross off this one:

  • See three movies in theaters
    • Knives Out
    • Little Women
    • Parasite

Aunt and Uncle Gator helped me cross this one off the list during their recent trip to NYC:

  • Get a postcard from someone

And just after the start of the new year, Tink helped me cross one of the big ones off the list with our trip to go see Aladdin at the Straz Center:

  • Go see a live show

While I may be struggling in many, many aspects of my life, I do acknowledge and celebrate my little victories as well.

Trigger warning for discussion of suicidal thoughts past here.

Mentally, the brain gremlins seem really loud tonight. Again? I was doing so well. I don’t even know if it’s genuinely that I want to die. I just want to stop hurting. Stop messing up. Stop not being good enough.

Not being in pain would be nicer, too. Had to break out the stretching rope today to help with my hips. And I’m tired all the time lately, which is worrisome. I have a doctor appointment on Wednesday, so if I can power through till then, it would be good.

It’s so frustrating how I relatively fine one day and literally have to remind myself not to run into oncoming traffic on others. Or take all my insulin. Or just stop eating all together and see how long it takes my body to stop being an asshole and getting sick again at random. Twice today I had to go be ill in the restroom at work and I just had the same thing I always do for breakfast.

I just have to keep going. It won’t be long till I have my insurance card and will be able to get a therapy appointment I can afford.

I just have to keep going. Even though all I want to do is lay down and die.

Take your meds, folks. Even the ones you don’t want to.

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