14,756 Days Alive
2 Weeks From Today is the 4th of December
Trigger warning: speaking on the loss of parents.
I feel like I’m not allowed to be as sad as I am about my Daddy’s death anniversary. it’s two weeks from today exactly. He’s been gone since 2018; I literally didn’t know what to do that day. Meaning the day after I got the phone call at something like three in the morning.
He was born in 1960. He was given up for adoption at birth or soon after. His life was not an easy one, nor did he always make good choices. That’s the human in us, isn’t it? And Daddy’s eulogy, I described him as a phenomenally flawed man. I miss him every day. Even though he isn’t, the technical progenitor, he was the closest thing to a father figure I had growing up.
We found out before he passed, maybe two years before he passed, that there was no way in hell he was my bio dad. He said he didn’t change anything. And it didn’t really. We were better friends than we were family.
I have not seen the progenitor/bio dad since sometime in the late 80s. Maybe 1990 but not since then except for two video calls and a couple of weird photos. He’s a very strange person, honestly , mother’s choice of sperm donor. He was Daddy‘s best friend at the time. When I was talking to him about the possible timeline of my conception, he said I was a “rinse cycle spite baby”. Apparently, him and my mom got bored while doing laundry in the basement and decided to have sex. What’s funny? Lucian is only seven months older than me. And we have at least one further sibling born in 1990, a brother who is also very strange and pagan leaning.
Christmas/the winter holiday season is always difficult for me. It’s not like a seasonal depressive episode or anything like that. It’s more like I wish things were different. There’s that Welsh word I can never manage to pronounce properly: hiraeth.
I miss the very few Christmas celebrations that Daddy and I had together. I miss the glass bottle cokes, the mad hunt he would go on for the mint-flavored Terry’s chocolate that I loved. And if all else failed, there was always a box or two of Queen Anne’s chocolate covered cherry cordials, a Granny Smith apple, some of those easy-peel cutie oranges, instant hot cocoa powder with obnoxious, dehydrated, mini marshmallows, and/or some Andes Mints. He loved Hershey kisses; Hershey’s chocolate in general actually. They still make me sad.
I tried building new traditions when I was living in Indiana and it just didn’t work. I’m hoping here with Lucian and Brian, I am able to make some new traditions this year.
For now, I’m gonna go snuggle under my blanket with Mr. Spock curled up on the heating pad on top of my feet because it’s gonna get down to just above freezing tonight.
Take your meds, folks.
Postmark Wonderland 