Category: Anxiety

Insomnia Interlude 9

~ Theodora Vanyar

12,256 Days Alive

I wonder how different things would be if I had died.

If, when my playful, and now dead over a year, stepfather tossed me into the deep end and I sunk like the not-swimming rock I was at the time, my mother hadn’t noticed. If she hadn’t dived in, after kicking off shoes, socks, and watch, and pulled me up. She bemoaned for years that I ruined her hearing aid with that “stunt”. As if I had any choice or say in the matter of drowning.

Or, if when I developed pneumonia some time afterward if I hadn’t shaken it.

Or if in one of the car accidents I’ve been in, I wasn’t so fortunate as to be able to walk away.

Or if I had been successful in any of my suicide attempts.

I suppose it would matter as to the when of my death. If I had died in high school, or before? It’s a horrible thought. Like that Christmas movie, I’ve never seen with the angels and bells.

It’s a Wonderful Life. That’s the name of the movie! That’s what it is. I had to Google it. I should watch that.

I know that I have had a least a minor impact on several peoples’ lives. I do. But Gods does it feel like I’m screaming into an echo chamber sometimes.

I’ve survived a lot. I’m sure I’ll be fine in daylight.

Thoroughly Through This Thursday

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ 2 Comments

12,249 Days Alive

5,672 Books to Read This Lifetime

207 Books Still to Read This Year

34 Hours Until Moving Day

3 Books Touched Today: One Finished, Another In Progress, Another Still Started

3 Carloads Total Taken Up to the New Place

2 Meetings at Work

1 Review Pending Completion

Question of the day: if you could only read from one genre for the rest of your life, what would you pick? What would you absolutely avoid?

By the Gods, today was a thoroughly busy day!

Continue reading “Thoroughly Through This Thursday” →

Sad, Starry Night

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,247 Days Alive

5,664 Books to Read

208 Books to Read for the 2019 Challenges

10 Nails Wrapped With Stars

1 Sad Memory

Question of the day: what small act of self care do you do when you’re feeling down?

I’m having a rough day, mentally. And physically. Just… sad and tired and run over by my damn menstrual cycle. Give me chocolate, hugs, and a gorram shoulder rub.

It’s been five weeks and I still feel a low-grade twinge of panic, of who died now fear, every time my cell phone rings.

Continue reading “Sad, Starry Night” →

Riff Tracks and Renfield

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,338 Days Alive

5,352 Books on the Kindle

400 Approximate Miles of Driving For Tomorrow

28 Hours Left in 2018

22 Boxes, Bags, and Totes of Yarn in Current Inventory

3 Art Pieces to be Framed

2 Cats Being Jerkfaces

2 Friends Showered worth Belated Yule Gifts

1 Staggered Filet Triangle Shawl Nearly Complete

We did go see Bill6 and J today! Grabbed lunch at Outback, talked NYE plans, and of their most recent adventure.

Their cat, a beautiful bitey bastard of a Russian Grey is named Renfield. I have not taken a picture of him, because he is said bitey bastard.

Continue reading “Riff Tracks and Renfield” →

So Long and Skip-Bo

~ Theodora Vanyar ~ Leave a comment

12,337 Days Alive

5,351 Books to Read

207 Book Reading Challenges To Pick From

6 Days Till the Next Adventure Starts!

5 Games of SkipBo Played

2 Days Left in 2019

>1 Day Till We See J and Bill6 and Give Them Their Belated Yule Gifts

We’re in the home stretch of 2018 here and I have never been so glad to see the back end of a year.

If I had to boil 2018 down and spit out a phrase, it would be “catastrophic amounts of change”.

2019 will be better.

I have to keep telling myself that.

Today was mostly spend struggling to get the hell out of bed.

I’m still having horrific nightmares and flashbacks every damn night. I’m perpetually exhausted. And I’m also stuck in mega fast forward. My entire body hurts. Every joint is in pain and finding a comfortable position sitting or lying down is near impossible. It makes me wish that my CBD pills weren’t $50 a bottle still. And if the visit to get my medical marijuana card wasn’t five times that it would be an option. But now I make less than $2k a month and have to be careful where I expend money.

The weather was nice, at least.

Fog choked skies and smattering of sunshine as my Darling Wife and I raced away from Downtown Tampa towards Deej’s home. Subway was the meal of choice and I heartily enjoyed the tuna salad bowl I got.

The incessant pain made today’s visit a little less fun. I couldn’t help but be uncomfortable but I tried to have fun anyway. We played SkipBo with Deej and their momma. It was fun. And I even won a round!

I’ve got to turn in for the night. My head is honestly killing me.

Take your meds, friends. And never be afraid to ask for help.