Pleasantries, Perspective, Pain Meds, and PBJ

Days Alive: 12,185

Word Count For NaNoWriMo: 15,515

Words Left to Write For NaNoWriMo: 34,485

Laps Around the Campus Building Today: 7

Times I Said “Pleased to meet you!”: 27

Slices of Supreme Pizza Eaten: 2

Episodes of Bake Off Watched: 2

Hot Cocoa Kisses Eaten: 4

The third day of my new adventure was lovely! I got the official tour of the facility. Met so many people… whose names I have nearly all immediately forgotten. Ah well. Miriam tried her best.

I wish I could offer some cheerful tripe about how my awesome night of sleep made for an amazing morning, a cheerful day at work, an easy day, and restful evening. But all I can say is that work was good, and I am in vision darkening levels of pain.

I’ve taken my meds. Eaten my dinner. Got to try my Darling Wife’s newest desert creation (salted caramel popcorn cupcakes).

And I still absolutely feel wretched.

My brain is stuck in a negative tailspin. I feel worthless, despite all I am trying to keep going and doing. I feel like a bother, like a failure. An anxious mess. Throat closing levels of imposter syndrome where I think my new coworkers will see me for the nothing I am and discard me. That I am a burden on my loved ones, my friends. And it’s so hard.

I had to swallow my stupid pride and try to ask for Steph’s help with buying some PBJs for lunch. Never got around to asking because she just… took care of it for me. She didn’t know that I had budgeted to my last three bucks until I get paid. She just helped. I can’t even properly express how much it means to me. I nearly cried in a goddamned grocery store again.

But I must keep going. I have plans made. Goals set. So… in the words of Ellen:

I am tired. On all levels. Ithink I’ll work a few rows on the Pride Wrap and call it a night.

Oh! As a bonus, my Darling Wife picked me up some Hot Cocoa flavored Hershey Kisses! I ate FOUR. So good.

I do love a good cup of cocoa.

I’m going to try and get some real rest tonight. Catch y’all in daylight.

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