14,308 Days Alive
9 Minutes that My Therapist Was Late Today
2 Bowls of Zuppa Toscana Consumed
1 Lingering Headache
Heavy stuff herein. Frank discussion of sexual abuse, rape, and the mental trials of surviving both.
Had therapy today. Talked about a lot of the triggers I had flare up this week with my gynecological appointment.
I’ve been having nightmares, flashbacks, and just overall a not-good time with my brain being triggered by the Pap smear and vaginal exam. I mean, I was always a little gun shy of the lady bits doctors. I can’t have a male one. Full stop. Even though it wasn’t just men who used my body for their enjoyment, they were largely the perpetrators of the longest term sexual abuse. The ones who didn’t take no for an answer the loudest, or told me to shut up or else.
I was five. Eleven. Fourteen to sixteen. Nineteen. Twenty one. Twenty two. Twenty six. I’d forgotten for a while about the one where I was just barely eleven, already a DD in the chest and outgoing, friendly. Naive enough to think a friend of the family wouldn’t do something like that. And then called a liar to my face by my mother and her girlfriend. I fell apart washing dishes when I couldn’t get the sensation of being touched off my skin.
Oh, and that I was almost assaulted in the P family’s basement when Tommy, my best friend’s boyfriend, knelt on my shoulders and tried to make me blow him. Ugh. I’d forgotten about that one until I was talking to Jennifer, my therapist, about how I don’t see myself as a victim of sexual assault and abuse, but a survivor of said horrors. I lived. Despite their best attempts to break my mortal coil, I’m still here.
It’s exhausting though. The whole continuing to exist thing is painful and stressful and barely worth getting out of bed lately.
I don’t really want to die, exactly. Just… I want it to stop.
Sucks that my therapist is going on a motorcycle ride vacation and won’t be back till the 23rd. So that Friday I have an appointment with her after work, and I’ve got her cell number if I have a crisis.
I actually have social plans on Sunday with Tina. And plans to play Diablo IV with Anthony. We went to Olive Garden for dinner. Endless soup, salad, and breadsticks was our meal and we both had two bowls of soup, four breadsticks, and half a bowl of salad.
Anyway, my baby kitty wants snuggles.
Take your meds, folks.
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