14,455 Days Alive
5 Years Divorced as of 23rd April of This Year
2nd Place in Tonight’s Magic: The Gathering Game
1.5 Years Since Mom Died
1 Chocolate Coke Float Imbibed
I’m not doing great tonight. In the last few days, a bunch of people have brought up my ex-wife in conversation. It happened again today.
I mean, it’s not the end of the world. But my heart still clenches in…. Fear? Anxiety? Some unnamed negative emotion in my chest that makes me unhappy. It sucks because her name is common from the eighties. Common as fuck. Oh well. Eventually, I’ll get to a point where I don’t hunch in on myself when I think of her, but today is not that day.
To be fair, our marriage failed due to both of us and in the fallout, I only really “lost” two people. One of whom I am still mourning, even though I did reach out back in December without any hope of response. Oh well. Their loss.
Having food poisoning earlier this week was terrible. It led to too many hours navel-gazing about my failures. I am still trying my best to not think of myself as some massive fraud that has somehow convinced all my loved ones I’m actually a decent human. My therapist would likely have a field day with that statement, regardless of the terrible grammar.
We’re playing Magic tonight at Beau and Tina’s house. It’s quarter to midnight and all I want is some Taco Bell and a good cry. But that could also be attributed to me being run over by my cycle right now.
I’m tired down to my bones, down to my soul. I don’t know how to regain some of myself.
I’ve started planning my fortieth birthday party. The thought now is to have dinner with J, Charles, Beau, Tina, Connor, Mac, Tom, and Dustin. I don’t know if anyone else would want to come, except maybe my brother Sharky and his husband. But nine people, counting myself, is a large dinner party even if one of them is Beau and Tina’s tiny human.
Oh!
I have to remember to tell Chelé I’ll be in town the weekend of the 21st. Maybe we can do breakfast? I’ll be stuck in Orlando without a car, though. So. Chelé, when ya read this, please poke me.m for more thoughts on the matter.
Anyway, it’s nearly midnight and we’re still playing Magic. So I’m off to lose the game.
Take your meds, folks.
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