Of Endings and Everything Else

14,770 Days Alive

2,208 Days Straight on Duolingo

3 Tires Pumped Full of Air

2 Slices of Supreme Deep Dish Pizza Eaten

Tonight is the final full moon of 2025. I have maybe three set goals for next year. It’s very hard for me to think forward what all I want to do is have everything stop.

I am struggling so hard right now. I am having difficulty finding joy in anything. Even things I usually love. I am apathetic at best towards them. I feel untethered a bit. And I know things will get better. Having regular paychecks, even much smaller than they used to be, is a good thing.

I hate that I find no joy in reading. I haven’t even been able to crochet for weeks. I’ve read maybe a chapter? Maybe? I’ve gotten work done, but that is about it.

I’m trying. But, it’s an uphill battle for sure. Kind of like… A San Francisco hill, but I’m somewhere near the middle. Too far uphill to go back logically. And yet still too far from the top to see why I should keep going. It’s passive, right now. I’m not out here buying stock and strawberries or anything stupid. I’m even planning to have a salad for lunch tomorrow and drink another instant breakfast.

I realize some of my insecurity-based anxieties can absolutely be tied directly back to my childhood experiences, my experiences with homelessness, and just being poor in general. I’m doing my best. I need to find a new therapist and J sent me some resources that might be able to help.

I will try emailing people tomorrow on my lunch break. I’m going to light a small candle, or maybe just pray. Not quite a Gam Zeh Ya’avor moment, but pretty damn close.

I am reminded, as I rotate again in my bed like a rotisserie chicken of discomfort, of my favorite part of Max Ehrmann’s 1927 poem, Desiderata:

“Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”

I am a child of the Universe. I will be gentle with myself. And hey, I even managed to post this before passing out!

Take your meds, folks.