Of Fatigue and Frivolity

13,338 Days Alive

18 Rows into the Turquoise Blanket

1 Accidental Nap

Fen came home from California this morning. They were exhausted, since they had to go from the airport to their place of work to work a shift at the school.

I accidentally fell back asleep this morning after I got up and came out to the living room. I vaguely remember having a conversation with Fen when they came out of their room.

My brain is super foggy today. It’s hard to focus and make my brain work. I tried playing a game with J and Bill6 when they came over. They were both off work for the holiday and had a reason to be in town. So we grabbed food, at our old favorite Tijuana Flats, and came back to the house to play games.

I choked on a chip at lunch and now my throat itches. I am okay, but it feels like I scraped my throat up.

Right now, I’m crocheting; working on the Turquoise Throw for Uncle and Aunt Gator’s living room. It’s a pattern I haven’t done before, but it’s pretty. It’s being worked in Caron Simply Soft yarn in three colors: Pagoda, Blue Mint, and Heathered Grey. I hope they like it, once’s it’s done.

I’m in a lot of pain the last day or so; for some reason. I’m very sensitive to textures and weight being on me. I had to sleep without my blankets because I couldn’t stand the feel of the weight on me.

My darling boy, Spock, has been sleeping at my feet for most of the afternoon after J and Bill6 left. I think he’s peopled out.

M and Fen are canoodled up in Fen’s room, so it’s just me and Spock watching awful Unsolved Mysteries episodes off Netflix.

I can’t get my brain to focus on Duolingo or anything of actual substance right now. The mental radio is playing very loudly. Very negatively. That I’m fat and useless and unwanted. That people, that Spock, would be better without me. I’m not in any danger, as I can’t bear the thought of leaving him alone in the world. And I know people that love me and would miss me. It’s not that I want to die. I want the pain, the stupid brain gremlins, to stop.

I’m going to go run through the shower or something and read a bit before bed.

Take your meds, folks.

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