Thanksmas and Flashbacks

Days Alive: 12,208

Bottles of Hot Sauce: 4

Slices of Chocolate Dream Cake Eaten: 2

Breadsticks Eaten: 3

Today was the annual “Thanksmas” event at the new adventure. And it ate up most of my day.

For starters;

I made chili at my desk.

I was worried that it wasn’t going to be done in time.

That no one would like it.

That I made it wrong.

Made it too salty. Or not seasoned enough.

I had to take a mind mint and take a second because I was inches from a massive panic attack.

My concerns were unfounded. The chili was a hit and people were taking pictures of the recipe.

One guy went back twice for more! Quite the complement.

To be completely honest, I did to all of the prep work last night and just threw it together and on high for four hours. But still. I was worried.

And then we did setup in the atrium.

I loved the family style seating. And my chili was a hit!

The event itself was well attended, boisterous, and wonderful.

And then, after over an hour of clean up, I went to the front desk for the rest of my shift.

I’m still trying to knock out the last of the training materials I need to complete. One of the last was the Sexual Harassment training video.

It didn’t go well.

I completed it. And then cried in the bathroom.

And again in the shower.

And on Steph after dinner.

And might again before I sleep.

I’m a rape survivor. Sometimes I can weather stuff like this and be fine. And other times, I can’t. It’s a mental game of Russian Roulette, it seems.

I did appreciate this text, at the beginning of the course:

I took it as a bit of a challenge. I’m a prideful creature, at the wrong times it seems. I kind of emotionally shut down about a third of the way in.

My coworkers didn’t notice, so apparently auto-pilot me is pretty close to normal.

I expect nightmares tonight.

I hope I’m wrong.

My problem with this is that I was five. Nine. Eleven. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. Twenty one. Twenty five. Twenty six. Twenty seven.

On a cellular level, I have about another year to go before I am untouched again.

I’m still healing. I’m still growing.

But gods is it agony some days to just exist.

At least I had a bright spot today with the event and the wonderful surprise my Darling Wife kicked up.

I’m for bed. Be kind to yourselves, dears.

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