Days Alive: 12,208
Bottles of Hot Sauce: 4
Slices of Chocolate Dream Cake Eaten: 2
Breadsticks Eaten: 3
Today was the annual “Thanksmas” event at the new adventure. And it ate up most of my day.
I made chili at my desk.
I was worried that it wasn’t going to be done in time.
That no one would like it.
That I made it wrong.
Made it too salty. Or not seasoned enough.
I had to take a mind mint and take a second because I was inches from a massive panic attack.
My concerns were unfounded. The chili was a hit and people were taking pictures of the recipe.
One guy went back twice for more! Quite the complement.
To be completely honest, I did to all of the prep work last night and just threw it together and on high for four hours. But still. I was worried.
And then we did setup in the atrium.
I loved the family style seating. And my chili was a hit!
The event itself was well attended, boisterous, and wonderful.
And then, after over an hour of clean up, I went to the front desk for the rest of my shift.
I’m still trying to knock out the last of the training materials I need to complete. One of the last was the Sexual Harassment training video.
It didn’t go well.
I completed it. And then cried in the bathroom.
And again in the shower.
And on Steph after dinner.
And might again before I sleep.
I’m a rape survivor. Sometimes I can weather stuff like this and be fine. And other times, I can’t. It’s a mental game of Russian Roulette, it seems.
I did appreciate this text, at the beginning of the course:
I took it as a bit of a challenge. I’m a prideful creature, at the wrong times it seems. I kind of emotionally shut down about a third of the way in.
My coworkers didn’t notice, so apparently auto-pilot me is pretty close to normal.
I expect nightmares tonight.
I hope I’m wrong.
My problem with this is that I was five. Nine. Eleven. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. Twenty one. Twenty five. Twenty six. Twenty seven.
On a cellular level, I have about another year to go before I am untouched again.
I’m still healing. I’m still growing.
But gods is it agony some days to just exist.
At least I had a bright spot today with the event and the wonderful surprise my Darling Wife kicked up.
I’m for bed. Be kind to yourselves, dears.