Of Panic and Painting with Diamonds

13,449 Days Alive

If you’re someone new to this little corner of the universe, I have a lot of mental health issues. And some of them are kicking my ass and then handing it back to me on a platter.

For example, despite my best attempts to the contrary, I have not been sleeping well. I’m in bed now, bunked down for the night. But I likely won’t fall asleep for another hour or three. Whether this is due to anxiety, of which I have oodles, or due to a manic episode I may be having, I’m not sure.

I’ve been productive in the last day or three. But since Friday and the relative insanity that day was, I’ve been go-go-go. Laundry, writing. Crocheting. Socializing.

Partly it could be because I don’t want to carry the emotional weight and do the emotional labor that comes with it being my divorce-anniversary yesterday. I was up till two am working on the lovely diamond painting I bought myself.

But I feel so overwhelmed in my day to day life I just don’t have room for extra negative feelings right now. I tried watching one of my guaranteed to make me cry movies. It’s Disney’s Meet the Robinsons. Cute movie, but literally made me bawl the first time I watched it. Instead, I just got sad.

This was after I had my half-session of therapy with Mx Steph. They say I function well in chaos. I don’t quite think it was a complimentary observation. But it is nonetheless true.

Anyway. My anxiety is diagnosed as generalized anxiety disorder or GAD. I’m bipolar, though no one is sure what kind I am. I just know I have mania moments and major depressive issues while struggling with suicidal thoughts.

And pain. Apparently the normal amount of pain to be in is “none”. Since I’ve been in pain since I was seven? Seems like bullshit to me. Right now I’m a solid seven. I’m aching in my joints something fierce. I tried the back cracking roller tube Fen has to try and stretch out the kinks in my back. It helped a little, but I also ran it over my sciatic area and that lit up with OW like a fucking Christmas tree.

I’m depressed. I’m overweight and I hate it. I want to be more active physically but most of my hobbies are sedentary because pain limits what I can do successfully.

I’m just tired, and tired of being tired of everything.

I’m going to lay on the heating pad and pray for sleep.

Take your meds, folks.

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